As a public service from Smart Ass Cripple, here’s a hot stock tip, based
on inside information:
Figure out whoever it is that manufactures duct tape and buy a shitload of
stock in that company.
I don’t know squat about the stock market but I know lots of squat about
duct tape. I can’t help it. I’m crippled. And cripples know everything there is
to know about duct tape.
I looked up the history of duct tape on the internet, which is never
wrong, and it seems it was first manufactured for military use during World War
II and became commercially available shortly thereafter. That sounds about
right because that’s about the time cripples began to emerge from the various
dark holes to which we were relegated. And I’m sure duct tape had a lot to do
with it.
Because the way I size up cripples is by seeing how much duct tape they
have on their wheelchairs. If you want to know if a cripple is faking it,
that’s how you tell. If they have no duct tape then they ain’t authentic
cripples. Don’t trust them. They’re probably trying to scam Social Security or
something.
Because the first thing every cripple does when their wheelchair breaks is
reach for the duct tape. And then you pray to merciful God that whatever it is that
broke, wrapping it in duct tape will fix it. Because otherwise you’ll have to
figure out how to raise a zillion dollars to pay for the parts and labor to get
it fixed. And also it’s inevitable that whatever part you need, even if it’s a
screw, is manufactured only in Mongolia so please allow 4 to 6 months for
shipping.
So any real cripple who tries to keep moving in the real world has the
duct tape patch jobs to prove it. And it’s about to get a whole lot worse. Like
for instance, they passed a law here in Illinois requiring any cripple with a
broken chair to obtain prior approval for their repair from a state bureaucracy
before Medicaid will pay to have the chair fixed. So that means that before you
can order that screw from Mongolia, please allow an additional 4 to 6 months
for the state to give you the green light.
And these kinds of austerity bombs are being dropped on cripples all over
the world. Increasingly desperate cripples will be stocking up on duct tape
like survivalists. Crippled survivalist is becoming a redundant term.
So the cripples are hunkering down, which is great news for Wall Street.
Duct tape stocks will go through the roof! And their value will continue to
rise for years to come. Because when lawmakers are asked how cripples will
survive the next austerity blast, they’ll probably have to shrug and say, “Let
them eat duct tape.”