So it appears the final solution has been determined. In
every U.S. state it’s now legal to carry a concealed gun.
I guess the idea is to build to a climactic shootout
scene, like the fucking OK Corral, between the good guys, whomever they are, and
the bad guys, whomever they are. And when the official final body count is calculated,
certified and notarized, the good guys win!
Is that some kind of psycho Barney Fife shit or what?
But a fat lot of good being able to pack heat does for
cripples like me who can't use our arms much. The concealed part is no problem. I can shove a gun deep down
into the backpack that always hangs on the back of my wheelchair. But what
happens when I have to use it, like to defend myself against a mugger? I’ll
have to ask some Good Samaritan passerby to please get the gun out of my
backpack. But even then I won’t be able to pull the trigger. I can’t even hold
the damn gun up! So I’ll have to ask the kind Samaritan to please also shoot
the mugger. I know people feel mighty charitable when they see a cripple in distress,
but that’s really testing the limits.
But I have to do something to defend myself because I never
want to be a defenseless cripple. And pretty soon the bad guys will figure out
that the only ones who can’t shoot back are cripples like me who can’t hold up
a gun. So they’ll attack us more and more.
About the only lethal weapon I could readily use would be
poison blow darts. But it has to be
hands free poison blow darts, so I’ll have to rig up something like those beer
drinkers’ batting helmets where there’s
a beer can mounted on each side and straws running from the cans to your mouth.
Except the straws will run from my mouth to dart launching cylinders atop the
helmet so I can shoot poison darts with a mere puff. This will add an extra
accessorizing step to my morning routine. After combing my hair, my pit crew assistant will have to
dip my blow darts in deadly poison, load them into the cylinders and strap the
helmet to my head.
I’ll mass produce these helmets so my fellow cripples can
defend themselves in this wide open new world. Once we take down a mugger or two
with poison darts, word will spread and the rest of the muggers will know not
to mess with any cripple wearing a batting helmet with straws. Then, about the
only cripples incapable of self-defense through lethal force will be the
comatose. And so the muggers, desperate to find a new pool of defenseless victims,
will break into hospitals and nursing homes looking for comatose people to mug.
But the batting helmet could probably be equipped with some sort of sensors so comatose people could launch darts by using brain waves. Rigging up something like that can’t be too hard to do. I’ve
heard stories about cripples operating stuff like computers and motorized wheelchairs
using sensor caps and brain waves. So then the comatose person wearing one of my helmets with
sensors cold just think something like “Shoot that sonuvabitch” and the darts
fly! Let’s just hope the sonuvabitch they want to shoot isn’t some poor nurse’s
aide who gives crappy sponge baths.
That will leave the totally brain dead as the only truly
defenseless cripples. I’m afraid there’s not much I can do to help them defend
themselves. We may have to throw them to the muggers.