Apparently, back about 40 years
ago, there used to be an elite team of specially-trained U.S Marines whose
mission it was to carry cripples up and down flights of stairs.
Because I remember being an
adolescent and becoming so bored and restless that I broke down and attended
what were known as “muscular dystrophy parties.” These were parties for people
with muscular dystrophy that were organized by wealthy uncrippled people as community service projects. Muscular dystrophy parties were always children’s
parties, even though they weren’t always for children. There was always a cameo
appearance by Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. I remember some square dancers
came to entertain us once. Jugglers and
clowns. You get the picture.
Muscular dystrophy parties were
held at this fancy banquet hall where the narrow bathroom stalls weren’t wheelchair
accessible. But never fear because the muscular dystrophy party organizers made
an accommodation! Nurse Connie was on
duty! At the beginning of every muscular dystrophy party the emcee made a formal announcement that if anyone needed to go to the bathroom, just raise your hand and Nurse
Connie will help you. Nurse Connie sat on a stool back against the wall, wearing
her bright white nurse uniform, arms folded and a no-nonsense scowl on her
face. She was built like a lumberjack. I never had Nurse Connie help me go to
the bathroom. I was too afraid. I pictured her flinging me back over her
shoulder like Godzilla, carrying me into the bathroom and ripping the stall
door off its hinges.
And the banquet hall was also at
the top of about a zillion stairs. But never fear because the muscular
dystrophy party organizers made another accommodation! They called in the marines! Lined up outside
the banquet hall was a pack of marines, dressed in their formal blue coats with the red trim and their flat-topped white hats. And when the cripples arrived we were
swarmed by marines who immediately hoisted us up like the winning coach, wheelchairs and all, and carried us up the
stairs. It was a precision drill.
I assume this marine unit has
since been disbanded. When I see marine recruitment commercials and they show
the montage of all the cool and exciting stuff marines do, I never see them carrying cripples
up and down stairs. So maybe the Pentagon determined that with all the damn access
laws that have passed since the heyday of the muscular dystrophy parties, this
unit is no longer necessary. Or maybe they consolidated operations and hauling cripples up
and down stairs is now the job of the Navy Seals.