I know I’m a role model,
whether I like it or not. So I have to constantly be conscious of how I behave
because some people who don’t know much about cripples will base their opinion
of all other cripples on their opinion of me. I may not agree with this reality
but I accept it and I always try to conduct myself with that in mind.
For example, I know how
important employment is to my people so I have tried hard when in the workplace
to debunk the misconceptions employers have about cripples. I’ve done this by
quitting many jobs. Because those who try to convince employers to hire
cripples always cite research that shows what loyal employees cripples are. We
come in early, we stay late, we never call in sick, we never take vacations, we
never ask for a raise. Isn’t that pathetic? It makes us sound so desperate. It
makes it sound like if we ever get a job, any job, we’ll never ever let go no
matter what. So whenever I get a job, I immediately feel this strong obligation
to quit so the employer won’t get the wrong idea about cripples. Because if I
work twice as hard as everybody else for the same pay and never complain and
never call in pretending to be sick because I feel like staying home and
watching the ballgame, then my boss will expect every other cripple to do the
same.
I also felt great pressure
to be a role model when I lived in government-subsidized public housing for
cripples. So I threw parties featuring adult piñatas. Adult piñatas are full of
adult stuff like condoms and joints and those little airline bottles of booze
and cigarettes and furry handcuffs. I did this because cripples living in
government-subsidized public housing aren’t supposed to throw parties featuring
adult piñatas. They can maybe throw Tupperware parties, but that’s about it.
Cripples are supposed to be as desperate to land an apartment in government-subsidized
public housing as we are to land a job. When we get it, we’re not supposed to
do anything that might remotely fuck it up. Throwing parties featuring adult piñatas
probably could have gotten me kicked out of government-subsidized public
housing for cripples. I’m sure there was something in my lease to that effect.
In my lifetime I’ve consumed
shitloads of beer because I feel I must. Some people have this idea that
cripples are the only adult
humans ever with no desire to be intoxicated. Abstinence. So it’s my duty as a role model
to drink beer by the metric shitload. And if I'm ever hauled off to a nursing
home, that sense of duty will intensify exponentially. Because cripples in
nursing homes are absolutely forbidden to drink beer. So, as a role model,
drinking beer will be the first thing I have to do.
But I feel I have let my
fellow cripples down as sexual role model. Sexuality is the area where the most
devastating myths about cripples endure. Some people have this idea that cripples are the only adult humans ever with no desire to get laid. Abstinence. I guess you could say I’ve gotten
around. I’ve been married twice. But in order to counteract the cripple
asexuality myth to the fullest of my potential as a role model, I should be a
raging omnisexual hedonist, fucking everything that isn’t nailed down. I have
failed in this regard, though it wasn’t from a lack of effort or desire. I just
couldn’t keep up. I leave it to future generations of cripple role models to
pick up where I have fallen short.