You may not be a crippled beggar, but everyone has a
Crippled Beggar Index (CBI) score. It doesn’t matter if you are neither crippled
nor a beggar. You still have a CBI score and it greatly behooves you to
understand and keep track of your CBI score as diligently as you would your credit score. You may think you are way better off than a crippled beggar, but how do you know for sure?You
CBI score is the best indicator of how close you are to being in the same boat
with all the crippled beggars you pass on the street. You may
be closer than you think.
Here is the first equation to understand when calculating
your CBI score:
CBI = B<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<C.
In other words, this is the old cliché “beggars can’t be
choosers,” expressed in mathematical terms.
Because the most accurate way to measure beggars is to measure their lack of
options. Beggars, be they crippled or not, are people who have to settle for whatever old shit comes
their way because they don’t have much choice. They have no negotiating
leverage. If we give them a cup of instant coffee, they don’t have much hope of
haggling cream and sugar out of us. This is why no one wants to be a “charity
case,” which is another word for beggar.
So, in our equation, B = beggar and C = chooser. Calculating your
CBI tells you where you lie on the slippery spectrum between B and C. But before
you can determine this, first you have to solve for B, which is done using this
equation:
B = PPL+G.
PPL = political powerlessness, which is another word for lack
of options. So to determine your PPL factor, ask yourself how much you have to
settle for any old shit that comes your way because you don’t have much choice.
So as you can see, you don’t have to be crippled to be quite politically
powerless, though it certainly helps. Suppose you work at Burger Barn making
minimum fucking wage. Suppose that instead of giving you a damn pay raise, they
make you Employee of the Month. This gives you a PPL factor close to that of a
crippled beggar. Children automatically have higher a PPL factor. As a matter of
fact, the further you are from being a wealthy, white, Christian, hetero,
uncrippled male, the higher your PPL factor.
Based on this assessment, assign yourself a numeric PPL
factor using a scale of one to 10, with 10 being that of a crippled beggar.
Next, you must determine your personal G factor. G = gratitude. You calculate
the value of G by asking yourself how much you have to not just settle for any
old shit that comes your way but also act grateful that you got whatever old
shit you got. If Trump flips you a quarter from the back window of his limo,
how compelled do you feel to praise him for fear that if you don’t he won’t do
it again and then you’re really fucked? How effusive is your Employee of the Month acceptance speech? The more grateful you have to act, the
higher your G factor. The higher your G factor, the closer you are to being
just like the most pathetic crippled beggars.
Based on this assessment, assign yourself a numeric G factor
using the same scale. Then add it to your PPL factor to determine your CBI
score. The higher you CBI score, the closer you are to the crippled beggars.
And there you have it! I bet you have a lot more in common
with crippled beggars than you thought, eh? I know I do. But if not, check back
again soon. Things can change fast.