Make-a-Wish for Adults

I’m here to propose a make-a-wish for adults. Now before you dismiss me as a crude oaf, hear me out.

This would be a new federal entitlement program and it’s a win/win proposition. It benefits those on the very bottom rung of the economic ladder by giving them what they desire most, which is a measure of hope and a renewed sense of self-determination in this era of austerity. And it benefits those on the very top rung by giving them what they desire most, which is a civilized, compassionate way of disposing of those on the very bottom.

On the very bottom are all the chronics, as I call them. These are the people that ain’t gonna get better. But I’m not just talking about cripples and sick people. I’m talking about the chronically broke ass. You don’t have to be crippled to be chronically broke ass, though being crippled sure gives you a big head start. But those who are chronically broke ass without the advantage of being crippled would also be eligible for the free services of make-a-wish for adults.

Chronics never let go of certain public teats, especially when staying chronically broke ass is a requirement for maintaining access to the aforementioned teats (e.g. Medicaid). And we all know how miserable of an existence that life of community dependency can be. You can’t afford even modest luxuries like bread. And the political atmosphere is becoming increasingly hostile as the unchronic majority is steadily losing its patience with propping up the chonics. When you’re a chronic stuck in this trap, you get the feeling that everyone wishes you were dead

But under my plan, each chronic would receive a government-issued make-a-wish towel and this towel would be their leverage, their source of empowerment, their bargaining chip, if you will. If a chronic gets tired of the struggle of being broke ass and decides to give up, the chronic takes their towel to their local make-a-wish office and turns it in. This is the equivalent of saying, “Okay I give up. Throw me one last orgy and I’ll take the cyanide.” And the make-a-wish team gets busy arranging for the chronic the sendoff of their dreams! It can be whatever indulgent, fantasy-fulfilling bucket list excursion the chronic wants. Nude skydiving? Can do! Visiting the Kremlin and kicking Vladimir Putin in the balls? No problem! All expenses paid! This is their special day!

And the next day the chronic signs off for good, in accordance with the make-a-wish protocols.

I think the unchronic majority would embrace this as humane economics because it uses the carrot and not the stick. It doesn’t mandate self-elimination by the chronics in the name of fiscal prudence. It merely incentivizes it!

I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who said that the measure of a civilized society is how it disposes of its weakest citizens.