I passed by the perfume section of the department store and there was a huge banner announcing the arrival of the new fragrance by Beyoncé. Or maybe it wasn’t Beyoncé per se. I don’t remember for sure. It was either Beyoncé one of the many Beyonce'-ish celebrities.
Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that the new fragrance was by Beyoncé. What’s the difference, right? But when I saw that bright and bold banner, the first thing I felt was insulted. I’m no sucker, I said to myself! They can’t bullshit me! I know damn well Beyoncé didn’t spend weeks and weeks in her secret underground perfume lab mixing chemicals until she came up with the perfect scent. A bunch of chemists who work for the perfume company did that and then the perfume company paid Beyoncé millions to pretend like she likes it.
I feel similarly insulted whenever I see tri-colored pasta. I don’t know who the hell those pasta people think they’re fooling with that one but they can’t fool me! Tri-colored pasta noodles may come in different colors but they all taste the same. If you eat them expecting otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for bitter disappointment. I learned that hard lesson as a child when I ate many different colors of m&m’s and crayons.
But anyway, the second thing that banner made me feel was a deep sense of existential alienation. Who are the people who squirt on the new fragrance by Beyoncé so others will think they’re cool? And who are the people who think the people who squirt on the new fragrance by Beyoncé so others will think they’re cool are cool? And why is their affirmation of one’s coolness important? I don’t know anybody like that, or at least not anybody who'll admit it. But there must be millions and millions of people like that otherwise the perfume company wouldn’t bother putting out the new fragrance by Beyonce'. So maybe I’m the only one in the world not planning to buy the new fragrance by Beyoncé. I felt so utterly alone.
And the next thing I felt was a newfound reactionary resentment toward the poor. Because if the economy is going to hell and everybody’s so broke, then how come everybody’s got enough money to buy the new fragrance by Beyonce’? That just proves that all this talk of recession and income inequality is a load of crap! But then I wondered if the fact that everybody’s buying the new fragrance by Beyoncé means just the opposite. Maybe it means that end times are upon us. Maybe everybody is feeling so hopeless and resigned that they’re all saying fuck it and blowing their last damn dime on the new fragrance by Beyoncé.
So in the end, the huge banner announcing the arrival of the new fragrance by Beyoncé left me with a sense of impending doom.
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