Like I said last time, I always love giving tips to young criplets about ways I’ve found to navigate through the world as a cripple.
Here are some more: Never
wear underwear or pajamas but always wear slip-on shoes.
I learned these valuable
lessons because the high school I attended was a state-operated boarding school
for cripples, which I affectionately refer to as the Sam Houston Institute of
Technology (SHIT).
The great existential question every inmate faced was, "Is there life beyond SHIT?” SHIT was a bubble. There were
staff to meet our needs. The people who helped us get in and out of bed were
the houseparents. There were therapists aplenty.
But what happened if an
inmate graduated or reached age 21 and couldn’t live at SHIT anymore? Without
the houseparents around, who was going to help us get in and out of bed?
The therapists thought their
job was to help me figure out how to do as much of that kind of stuff as I
could for myself. They devised elaborate, makeshift technology, like long
sticks with hooks and snaps and pulleys on them, to help me do stuff like pull
up my socks. It didn’t matter if it took me all day to pull up my socks. The
important thing was that I did it myself.
And so I came up with all
kinds of shortcuts. I wouldn’t have to worry about putting my pajamas on without
any houseparents around if I slept naked. I wouldn’t have to figure out a way
to wiggle my underwear on and off if I didn’t wear any. I wouldn’t have to
waste any time tying my shoes if I wore slip-ons.
These are the things I did
to ensure my survival beyond SHIT. I still don’t wear pajamas or underwear
because, well, what’s the point? And not buying those things saves money, too. I sometimes wear
shoes that have laces, but regardless of what kind of shoes I wear, I have
someone else put them on me. There’s a crew of people that I’ve hired to do all
that kind of stuff for me. I call them my pit crew. They’re all paid an hourly
wage but it doesn’t cost me anything, except when I pay my taxes. The state
government covers it all.
I hope these tips aren’t as relevant as they once were. Fortunately, there are a whole lot more of these programs around, so today’s cripples don’t have to stress about doing everything yourself or going broke paying someone to help. But there aren’t nearly enough of these programs and a lot of cripples can’t get the help they need. So my tips may prove to be helpful after all.
Oh crap! I just remembered that
a few years back, I was invited to be the commencement speaker at SHIT. I’m one
of their prize alumni. (Do you see why I call it SHIT?) I talked all kinds of
shit to the graduating criplets, but I didn’t share these tips with them. Sorry
about that, criplets. Maybe the SHIT people will invite me to speak again.
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