Suppose, just for a moment, that
you’re a ruthless dictator or even, dare I say, a corporate CEO. You’re feeling
under siege because the voices of dissent have become quite numerous lately and
you’ve had to spend an inordinate amount of your time and energy crushing them.
Thus, you have been attracting increased scrutiny and this makes you
uncomfortable. You need a feel-good distraction that’s designed to take everyone’s
mind off of what an asshole you are so you can commit genocide in peace. (After
all, that’s how you thought it would be when you took this job.)
You need your reputation laundered.
Well in that case, may I suggest finding some cripples to embrace. It’s just
like seeking insulation by wrapping yourself in the flag except you’re wrapping
yourself in cripples.
It’s a tried-and-true means of
making yourself look like a sweetheart. But you must be careful. It is
imperative that you resist the temptation to embrace any old cripples. Because,
like I said, the goal is to conjure up a “feel good” distraction. So you must
be aware that not all cripples are warm and cuddly, as hard as that is to
believe. Some cripples do things that piss people off, like go around protesting
and demanding their rights. You certainly don’t want to associate yourself with
them.
No, you need something like the Special Olympics.
It needs to be something safe and reliable and completely uncontroversial. It
needs to be something that no one would dare publicly criticize in any way, for
fear of being labeled insensitive. And who could possibly criticize a bunch of
limping cripples in leg braces bravely racing each other around a track? It
doesn’t matter if there’s a lot more than that to the Special Olympics. As long
as enough people believe that’s all there is to it, that’s all that matters.
If you’re a ruthless dictator, all you have to
do is send your spouse to the opening ceremony of the Special Olympics to throw
out the first beanbag. (What is the proper title for the spouse of a ruthless dictator?
The First Bitch?) Notice how I used the
word spouse instead of wife. That’s because I ‘m not sexist. I wouldn’t want to
give the impression that women aren’t capable of being ruthless dictators. Just
look at Margaret Thatcher.
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