Boogie Man Tour

Remember back not long ago when some people swore up and down that certain vaccines caused autism? I thought I also heard something about autism being caused by too much heavy metal in the brain chemistry. I don’t mean heavy metal music. I mean heavy metal.

It all turned out to be bullshit, which is great news for people with autism. They can just relax and be who they are. Because if it was true, they’d be morally obligated by our culture to go around warning everybody not to get vaccinated or not to French kiss aluminum foil or whatever, lest you or your children become one of them.

They would’ve been obligated to embark upon a boogie man tour, starring them as the negative example. Shirking that responsibility is tantamount to child neglect. The message of a boogie man tour, whether stated or implied, is always the same: "Don’t be like me. Don’t do (fill in the blank)." Don’t cross the street in the middle of the block. Don’t get stoned and bungee jump.

If you’re a cripple due to something with a direct, preventable cause, you’re screwed. You’ll never find peace. You’ll be under a lot of pressure to go on a boogie man tour. It doesn’t matter who you are. If science ever proves you can get what Stephen Hawking has from a dirty toilet seat, he’ll be dragged into making public service announcements that say: “Don’t be like me. Think before you sit.” His boogie man tour will be sponsored by the company that makes those rotating plastic covers on airport toilet seats.

So I’m really grateful I’m not that type of cripple. There’s nothing you can do to keep from being like me. I’m crippled because one or both of my parents had a mutated survival motor neuron gene 1, which they passed on to me. So the best I can do is urge you not to be evil’s accomplice by unwittingly creating more mutants like me. Here’s how my PSA would go: “Hi, this is Smart Ass Cripple reminding you that before you have sex with someone, know their history. If they have a mutated survival motor neuron gene 1, for God sakes, use a condom!” My boogie man tour sponsor would be Trojan.

I don’t think I would perform very well on a boogie man tour. I mean, I can think of a ton of reasons why parents wouldn’t want their kids to be like me, but they don’t have anything to do with me being crippled. And I wouldn’t want to give the impression that if I wasn’t crippled, everything would be lollipops. Most of my problems aren’t because of being crippled. Most of my problems are because of republicans. If you really want to improve my crippled existence, get rid of them.