A Very Special After-School Edition of Smart Ass Cripple, Featuring Eva Braun

In this very special after-school edition of Smart Ass Cripple, we’ll explore the topic of diversity and inclusion. What does genuine diversity and inclusion look like? How do we as a modern society achieve it?

To begin our exploration, allow me to recall an actual conversation I had years ago with a female friend. My friend told me about what she called the “slutty phase” of her life. She was young and her self-esteem was rock bottom so she slept around a helluva lot.

Let me pause here and give my friend an alias so I don’t have to keep referring to her merely as my friend. I shall call her Eva Braun, since Eva Braun is the poster child for women with low self-esteem.

Anyway, Eva Braun told me during her slutty phase she sampled a wide range of men. She said she fucked a guy who weighed over 300 pounds just to see what it would be like.

So I said to Eva Braun, “Did you ever fuck a cripple?” She looked at me quizzically, as if I brought up a scenario she’d never considered. She shook her head and said no. “Well,” I said, “if it’s any consolation to you, you weren’t officially a slut if you didn’t fuck a cripple.”

The next time I saw Eva Braun, she told me she’d been thinking a lot about my cripple-fucking comment. She said at times it made her feel somewhat absolved to be measured by a new standard according to which she was never a slut. It was sort of like regaining her virginity. On the other hand, she sometimes felt kind of defensive, as if I was being dismissive of her sluttiness.

I told Eva Braun that it was neither my intent nor my desire to impose upon her an immutable definition of what constitutes a slut. I was just using sluttiness as a metaphor to make a larger point about how society views diversity and inclusion. Often cripples are left out. How often do you see genuine cripples on TV? That’s just one example. Even a progressive, enlightened woman like her was falling into that trap. I told Eva Braun that to me, a slut is someone who has slept around with a truly diverse and inclusive spectrum of humans. If that spectrum doesn’t include cripples, then to me it is not representative of the full range of humanity and therefore I cannot in good conscience consider that person to be a slut. Nothing personal.

I told Eva Braun that if she wanted to remove all doubt and relieve her conflict, all she had to do was fuck a cripple. I assured her that, knowing cripples like I do, she would have little trouble finding a taker. Eva Braun said thanks but no thanks. If she was to fuck a cripple, which she wasn’t opposed to in theory, it would have to be for a better reason than that.

I hope this very special after-school edition of Smart Ass Cripple on the topic of diversity and inclusion has given you food for thought.


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