Monday, January 30, 2012

A Burden to Society

Every time I take a leak, it costs the state of Illinois 38 cents. The state pays $11.50 per hour to the people I hire to help me take a leak. That’s about 19 cents a minute. I guesstimate that on average, each leak takes about two minutes, from unzip to zip. If I leak four times daily, on average, that’s $1.52. Extrapolate that out over a year and that’s $554!

Each time I sit on the crapper, that’s about 20 minutes. So that carries a price tag of $3.80 a day or $1387 a year. That’s $1941 of taxpayer money eaten up by one man’s bodily functions!

And that doesn’t even count all the other stuff my workers do for me, such as putting on my pants ($208 a year), brushing my teeth, ($244) and making my armpits smell like a cool sea breeze ($226).

There’s no doubt about it. The numbers don’t lie. I am a burden to society.

And just look at the fallout. People like me are stretching state budgets to the limit. Thus, foreclosures are at an all-time high. Hardworking Americans are losing their jobs. Small businesses are collapsing.

This can’t continue. Times are tough. We all have to sacrifice. The golden days of cripples wearing pants seven days a week are over.

I could argue that I am a taxpayer too. But who am I kidding? I paid about $800 in state income tax last year. That only covers the cost of all the leaks I took plus 65 days of sitting on the crapper. That means 300 of my shits are being paid for by someone else.

It’s clear I’ve got to give something up. I’m trying to figure out what. I could take a leak just thrice daily and sit on the crapper once every 36 hours instead of every 24. But this only saves the state $337 a year. And curtailing my time spent eliminating bodily waste would have a severe negative impact on my quality of life. I’d have to give up two of the things that make life most worth living: beer and Mexican food.

So let’s see, if I also reduce my daily crapper time to 15 minutes (I’ll put an egg timer in the bathroom), that saves an additional $347. If I stop wearing socks, there’s another $139. But the state legislature will demand a whole lot more than that. I could, I suppose, challenge their methodology. I could reasonably argue that since my taxes fund all my leaks plus nine weeks of sitting on the crapper, those costs should not be considered when calculating the weight of my burden

As a further concession, to demonstrate good faith, I could have my pits washed on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and deodorize on Tuesdays and Thursdays to tide me over. That adds up to an annual savings of---.

I’m sorry but I can’t continue writing this. My calculator just overheated and exploded.


  1. We're already there in the UK, I'm afraid.

    The lady in this story is not incontinent, but needs to pee several times during the night and cannot manage to get to and from the bathroom on her own. Her night time care has been withdrawn, but they shouldn't catheterise her unless there's a medical need - so instead she is supposed to buy incontinence pads, soil herself and wait until morning when (hopefully) a carer visits to clean her up. Fun times.

    (I apologise for the lack of humour in this comment.)

  2. Mike, I'm riding the Metra and people just stared at me cause I literally Laffed out loud a couple of times while reading this. awesome!

  3. Have you considered outsourcing some of your crapping to other countries where labor is cheaper? Your domestic craps would then fear for their jobs and become more productive. It's a win-win.

    1. Umm...NO!
      We can do those jobs here!

    2. Doug, you have the solution

  4. Thank you for writing this!
    I like your candor (the tip jar)--I will, when I can!
    This is funny (and real).
    You are entertaining about it, which is a gift, so you are a great spokesperson.
    I love it!

  5. As a taxpayer, I think you're worth it, and I'm glad some of my money goes to help. I'd rather support your ability to eat Mexican food with my tax dollars than bail out banks.

  6. Thank God for Personal Care Attendants. They hate their job but they're working & have money to buy dope from me. Can you get these people to be paid per bowel movement, like "piece-work", so if you eat & crap more my clients will be batter paid & I can sell them more dope?

  7. Sheer Genius! Thank you for expressing what everyone on Benefit here in the UK is probably thinking / feeling. I must see if we can't come up with some equivalent UK figures!! Wishing you all the Mexican food you can eat and all the beer you can safely drink!

  8. This is straight comedy! I just shared it on my blog's twitter feed @PerImperfecta

  9. How much is the state paying for your blogging time? Whatever it is I think it should be doubled!

  10. Have you thought of being like a owl? They do not shit but rather cough up pellets. The savings nationwide could be substantial.

  11. And if you do become owl-like and cough up shit as pellets rather than flushing them away, you can repackage them to sell to curious children to disect. They can research what Smart Asses eat and present their findings as part of their 5th grade science projects...

    No kidding, I can already buy Owl Pellets at places like JoAnn Fabrics and Hobby Lobby, why not go after that market?!

  12. Oh, totally (re: coughing up owl pellets.) My kids brought home a baggy full of owl throw-up from the science center...and then told me that the staff there told them to tell their parents that they had to keep them forever! I bet they gotta get revenge on parents leaving their kids there somehow on that job. Definitely a market for that, though.

    So, changing subjects a bit--here is a thing I just realized. I'm a gimpy gimp (deaf blind) who works for a quad as a CNA, so your stuff always makes sense to me and cracks me up. And then sometimes I forward your stuff to non disabled people and they sorta chuckle along and think it is funny (which it is) but I realized that they think you are making this shit up! Like this is all sort of a characature or parody of life as a disabled person and I try to tell them, no...probably not. Like, I only get paid 36 cents a quad leak in my state, so I bet all these numbers are accurate. And they do sit there and go through every little tooth brushing and crap you have to take and add up the minutes and then try to cut them. Like, I just got nine hours cut a month for budget cuts. And it is supposed to be "nonessential services", so I am only allowed to do 1 hour and 12 minutes of housework a day. If I am folding laundry and my 1:12 are up, I guess I am supposed to stop! No pants today! Then on my timesheet I am really supposed to divide up my time into housework and personal services down to the minute. Like, do they really think anyone does that? But like, the able bodied don't believe this, they think it is all an exaggeration. Keep writing, maybe someday they will get that it is true bullshit.

  13. Ever have one of those nurses/attendants who for personal or religious reasons had to avert their eyes while you were crapping/showering/otherwise naked? Makes things really awkward. Although, showering by feel can be amusing.

  14. Don't think about it too much. You'll become a self-loathing fool.

  15. Don't feel sorry for this it's part of our life.Every person is not a burden to the society.It's shows your not lucky today.


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  20. This is great - it costs the taxpayers (I am one, most years), $372 a month ($4464 a year!) to keep me in catheters and medication to keep me dry (most of the time) in between catheterizations. Lots of money for urination! Of course, I could be wetter and smellier for only $144 a month.

  21. In the past couple years, I've started doing all my own personal care after a couple decades of having other people do it. I didn't get any more physically able. I just got done with having strangers touching me and critiquing my bush. I feel like my dressing and washing and toiletting myself should be considered a job, and I shouldn't be expected to get a "real" job, since this was someone's job until recently.