I, Smart Ass Cripple, have engaged in thousands of acts of deep intimacy with dozens and dozens of men. It began way back when I was in college and it continues to this day. I have paid most of these men to be intimate with me. There have been so many of them that I can’t even remember all their names and faces. I am not ashamed of these intimate encounters. Some people would be, but I am not. Just because I’m crippled doesn’t mean I don’t have needs.
Many of these acts of intimacy have taken place in bathrooms, sometimes even in the stalls of public bathrooms. Here’s how they go: (Warning: Smart Ass Cripple is about to give a graphic description of an act of intimacy that many might find disturbing. If you are one of those people, go drink some warm buttermilk or something.) First, the man removes my pants so that I am naked from the waist down. Sometimes he removes all my clothes and I am completely naked. He puts his arms around me. I put my arms around him. The man then lifts me out of my wheelchair and onto the toilet. The man leaves. I sit. I read a magazine.
When I’m finished I call and the man returns. And then our intimacy reaches its unspeakable climax. The man grabs a wad of toilet paper, leans me over and wipes me up. Then sometimes we continue to get intimate in the shower as well. The man shampoos my hair, scrubs down all of my body. Our intimacy continues in the bedroom. He knows all my favorite positions in bed. Sometimes I sleep positioned on my right side, sometimes on my left. He puts me in a position where I am comfortable and then he leaves.
I will continue to pay men to perform these acts of intimacy with me until the day I die because, like I said, I have needs, just like you. I need to shit and shower and sleep. I need to eat. I need to do my laundry.
A man applied to work for me some years ago. He said he was from Cambodia. During the interview, he told me his harrowing childhood tale of escaping the Khmer Rouge. He fled through the jungle with his family. The jungle was full of wild animals, deadly snakes, Khmer Rouge. But they made it to America. I was inspired by his fortitude so I hired him. And he quit after about three days on the job with me. The lions and tigers and bears and Khmer Rouge weren’t nearly as scary to him as my bathroom wipey time.
My advice is, if you’re creeped out by too much intimacy, don’t ever get too attached to a cripple. And for the love of God, be sure you never become a cripple.