Friday, August 17, 2012

Cripple Sports I'd Pay to Watch

Now that the regular Olympics are over, the cripple Olympics will soon be officially underway in London.


Sorry. I know I should be shot by a cripple firing squad for saying that. Even though I spend way too much time watching regular sports, I have no interest in cripple sports. Maybe I’m just bitter because I can’t heave a steel ball five feet. But I think it’s that I don’t find cripple sports as entertaining as regular sports.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no sports bigot. There are some Olympic sports that would be way more entertaining to watch in the cripple Olympics than in the regular Olympics, but they’re not part of the cripple Olympics. Take for instance, wheelchair pole vaulting. All the wheelchair athletes I know are too wussy to try that one. But then they complain about how no one pays attention to the cripple Olympics. Well you can’t have it both ways! Those millions of people who love extreme sports like rocket-powered snowboarding would really get their rocks off watching wheelchair pole vaulting.

And how about wheelchair beach volleyball? Two things that don’t go together are wheelchairs and thick sand. Your wheels sink in and you’re stuck. You practically need a tow truck to get out. Wheelchair beach volleyballers would have almost zero mobility and range. So in order to keep the ball in the air, there would have to be 52 cripples on each side. That would be entertaining to watch, for a few minutes anyway.

As for the blind, there are a lot of Olympic sports I’d enjoy more watching them compete in rather than the sighted, like boxing or anything involving shooting a gun. But top on my list is fencing. Fencing is the prissiest goddam sport since croquette. It’s sword fighting without all the fun stuff. When I was a kid I loved sword fighting movies because people got stabbed in the heart and died. It was so cool. But no one dies in fencing so what’s the point? How do you win in fencing anyway? Do you win when you slice a hole in the other guy’s satin knickers? I’d much rather watch blind fencers have at it with real swords! Winner takes all!

There are some things at which certain cripples excel that ought to be cripple Olympic sports. The first that comes to mind is quadruple amputee scoot racing. Have you ever seen quadruple amputees scoot across the ground? My God it’s so impressive! Those people scoot harder and faster than a dog that just sat on a beehive! It’s one of those cripple compensation things, like how blind people have super sharp hearing. Quadruple amputees have highly-developed ass muscles. So let’s line up quadruple amputees from around the world on a track and let them scoot their tushies off. There should be a wide variety of scoot races, from sprint scoots to marathons.

And there’s the fallen quadriplegic commando crawl race. Every quad has to become proficient at this basic survival skill. You fall out of your wheelchair. You need to call 911 but the phone is at the other side of the house. So you flip over on your belly and commando crawl to the phone, propelling with your elbows. So again, quads line up on a track. When the starter’s pistol shoots, they’re dumped out of their wheelchairs. The first quad to commando crawl to the phone and call 911 wins the gold!

I’d pay good money to watch those cripple sports! Who wouldn’t?