I must say it causes me great anxiety whenever I have to replace a member of my pit crew. Because first off, I never know how to word the want ad. I’m always tempted to go straight to the point. No pussyfooting: “Crippled man needs someone to wipe his ass.” That’s like posting a manifesto. It’s a clear and concise statement of what it’s all about. It weeds out the weak and squeamish. Only those with a certain fortitude will answer the call.
And then the ad should say, “No experience necessary.” Because when it comes to ass wiping, sadly, most people are virgins. And so the ritual you go through with someone who's getting ready to wipe your ass for the first time is pretty much the same ritual you go through with someone who’s getting ready to have sex with you for the first time. You start off with an icebreaker. You say something like, “So have you ever done anything like this before?” And they say something like, “Only to myself.” And so you reassure them that you will be patient and gentle and nurturing. And then they take a deep breath and do it and soon it’s over and they realize it wasn’t that bad at all. And they never forget that you were their first
And I never know under which employment category to place the ad. I hate the “c” word: caregiver. I hate it because what then does that make me? The caretaker? Isn't a caretaker someone who takes care of someone? But isn’t that what a caregiver is? It’s all so confusing. And the “c” word sound so custodial. And it’s so unreciprocal. On one side it’s all give give give give give. And on the other side it’s all take take take take take. But I like to think my pit crew people get something out of their time spent with me besides their paltry paychecks, even if it’s just a good joke or two.
And so I end up placing my ad under the category of miscellaneous. Those are the people I’m looking for to join my pit crew—those miscellaneous types.
The job doesn’t pay much. No benefits. No time and a half. No paid vacation. No 401(k). But the best thing about working in my pit crew is that it’s about as far away as one can possibly get from working for some soul-crushing corporation.
That's another thing I should put in my ad: “You may have to wipe my ass, but you’ll never have to kiss it.”