Friday, January 24, 2020

Shame and the Social Contract

This is the time of year when cripples are busily organizing all the cripple pride parades that will happen this summer in cities all over. Cripples put together floats and stuff like that and roll through the streets strutting their stuff. As parades go, they tend to be low-budget affairs. There aren’t any giant hot-air balloons shaped like Stephen Hawking or anything like that.

These parades are a good thing, though it’s too bad they're necessary. We wouldn’t have to publicly proclaim how proud we are to be who we are, if everybody didn’t think otherwise. It reminds me of that TV commercial where everybody talks about how wonderful it is to work for Amazon. Amazon wouldn’t waste their time and money making a commercial about how wonderful it is to work for them, if everybody didn’t think working for Amazon sucks.

I take part in the Chicago cripple pride parade every year. But I have to say that I’m always left feeling unfulfilled. There’s something missing. Our message of pride just doesn’t seem like it's having its full impact.

But I’ve figured out what it is that’s missing. There are no hecklers. Nobody feels threatened enough by what we’re saying to come out and try to shout us down. And that’s troubling.

Don’t they know how dangerous we are? I mean, when it comes to cripples, shame is an indispenable clause in the social contract. Society gives us a little space to move around and in exchange we have to act like it’s all sad wretches like us deserve. If it’s charity, we have to be ecstatically grateful for whatever is given us, even if it’s a dead pony. If it’s something like Medicaid, we have to stay forever broke and inert. Because if we’re not forever broke and inert we aren’t really crippled.

So you’d think that when cripples have the nerve to be proud of themselves and each other (in public no less), it would scare the hell out of at least some uncrippled people. If cripples can’t be shamed into submission anymore, it’s like giving them all that stuff for free. Then what? They’ll demand more and more and pretty soon they’ll take over!

I’ll keep joining the parade every year but pretty soon I hope I’ll see agitated uncrippled onlookers holding up signs saying CRIPPLES GO HOME. And maybe I’ll even get winged by a flying rotten tomato or two.

Won’t that be glorious? That’s when I’ll know we’ve really arrived.

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Sunday, January 12, 2020

Demographic Immunity

I am immune from car sale commercials. No matter how much of a super spectacular blow-out of a sale the ecstatic spokesactor or local dealership owner proclaims it to be, it all just bounces right off of me. Because the only kind of car I’m ever going to buy is a cripple accessible minivan. And you never see or hear commercials for a super spectacular blow-out sale on cripple accessible minivans.

You would think this would be something I’d mourn. But it’s not. Car sale commercials actually make me feel the opposite. They make me feel grateful to be who and what I am. It’s a relief to know that spokesactor or local dealership owner isn’t talking to me. One of the great struggles in life is to tune out the torrent of sales pitches we encounter each day and keep focused on what’s real. I can tune this one out without expending any energy. It’s a blessing.

Car sale commercials also make me feel grateful that I am the type of cripple that will never ever be able to walk or be any less crippled than I already am. Otherwise this sales pitch might shame me into spending hours and hours walking on a treadmill in a physical therapy gym in the hope of becoming uncrippled enough to someday take advantage of the super spectacular blow-out car sale. In a capitalist society where your worth is measured by how many people are trying to sell you something, the temptation would be great.

My crippledness gives me an armor their arrows cannot penetrate. I call it demographic immunity. Sometimes being so far outside the mainstream demographic that no one notices your existence ain’t such a bad thing.

I wonder if cripples who have no legs feel the same way about commercials for shoe sales. And what about cripples who eat through stomach tubes? Do they feel blissfully immune from food commercials? I sure hope so.

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Saturday, January 4, 2020

Terrifying Wholesomeness

Rahnee and I were eating dinner in a restaurant, just minding our business and having a grand old time, when I saw something that scared the living hell out of me. It triggered severe PTSD flashbacks.

A guy sat at a nearby table and he wore a red preppy sweater over a white shirt. I gasped and muttered, “Oh Dear God! It’s Up With People!”

Rahnee’s face twisted up, inquisitively. She had no idea what that out-of-the-blue comment was all about. It hit me that she’s much younger than me and since Up With People was a phenomenon mostly of the 1960s and 70s, she might not have been subjected to them. So now I had to explain to her what Up With People was and what made them so terrifying.

I told her that when I was a teenage inmate at the state operated boarding school for crippled kids, which I affectionately refer to as the Sam Houston Institute of Technology (SHIT), they took us on a field trip to a theater. The performers were the Up With People troupe. And they were just as I’d seen them on TV, performing at football game halftimes and on hokey variety shows. As I remember, the guys wore red or blue preppy sweaters over white shirts and the females wore matching red or blue jumpers with white blouses. The performers were all as white and pure as could be. They all had permanent, lobotomized smiles and they sang relentlessly upbeat songs about how we all need to be nice to each other while they performed stiff, synchronized choreography.

It scared the hell out of me in the same way the guy on the Quaker Oats box scared the hell out of me when I was a child. I wasn’t scared of the Quaker Oats guy in the sense that I thought he would break into my room and stab me to death or anything like that. When I look back, I realize what terrified me was his overpowering wholesomeness. I’ve always reacted that way to people who are unabashedly wholesome. I get paranoid that they’re coming after us all. Their agenda is to release a tidal wave of wholesomeness that will drown us all and when it recedes we’ll all be as wholesome are they are.

That’s how Up With People affected me as a teen. I just wanted to get the hell out of that theater before their ingenious form of torture broke me down to the point where I’d surrender and become one of them.

Seeing the guy in the red preppy sweater made this all come rushing back. I explained all this to Rahnee and her face shifted into a new look that said, “What kind of drugs have you taken?” It was a look of pity.

When we got home, I sent her an internet video of Up With People performing in the 1960s and 70s. So at least she knows I didn’t make it all up, though she probably still wonders what kind of drugs I’ve taken.

(Smart Ass Cripple is completely reader supported. Purchasing Smart Ass Cripple books at and filling the tip jar keeps us going. Please help if you can.)

Tuesday, December 24, 2019

A Metaphor to Illustrate How “I’m Socially Liberal But Fiscally Conservative" Is a Fucked Up Way to Be

I don’t have any kids as far as I know. But if I did, I’m confident that I would have instilled in them an ethical framework that says one should never stick the head of a fellow human into a toilet and give them a swirly, no matter how deserving that person may seem. However, I’d be very tempted to tell them it’s all right to make an exception for anyone who says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative.”

Please allow me to put forth a taxi cab as a metaphor to illustrate how fucked up that “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative” attitude is. Suppose I want to go somewhere in a cab. The socially liberal region of these people’s brains would wholeheartedly agree that I should have as much right to do that as my neighbors who are verts (which is what I call people who walk because it’s short for vertical). They would firmly subscribe to the premise that no cab driver should deny me service just because I use a wheelchair. That would be discrimination, which is abhorrent in all its forms!

But obviously, even if a cabbie opened the passenger door and welcomed me in with a red carpet, it wouldn’t be any good because in order to get around, I need a vehicle that’s wheelchair accessible. So if there aren’t any cabs like those on the street, I ain’t going nowhere! But those cost a lot more than a regular sedan. Giving me equal opportunity doesn’t always mean treating me like I’m a vert because I’m not a vert. Sometimes you have to do things differently and that often costs money.

So the fiscally conservative region of their brain would balk. Equality is all well and good, as long as it doesn’t cost them anything. And I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that how it works with these people is that whenever the fiscally conservative region of their brain conflicts with the socially liberal region, the fiscally conservative region always wins out. When someone says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative,” it’s like they’re giving you a warning.

After churning all this about, their conflicted brains would probably declare that as long as I’m given the same opportunity to ride the same cabs the vets ride, I’m being treated as equally as I can reasonably expect to be treated. So what if I still ain’t going nowhere.

I suppose giving a swirly to everyone who says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative” would be considered assault. But it can also be considered self-defense. Because imagine how much carnage can occur if that attitude catches on too much. We can’t just stand idly by and let that happen. Somebody has to do something! Maybe giving those people swirlies will somehow knock some sense into them. One can only hope.

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Tuesday, December 17, 2019


Some turtles live 100 years or more. There was a giant Galapagos land tortoise that lived to be 175. What the hell is that all about?

Hey, I’ve got nothing turtles. I’ve never been emotionally attached to one but they seem pretty cool to me. I like how they are mostly defensive creatures. If they see danger coming they duck inside their shells and stay there until the coast is clear. That’s probably one of the reasons why they live so long. They don’t go around looking for trouble.

In no way do I begrudge any turtles their longevity. More power to them. But why not dogs, too? How come dogs only get to live about 15 years or so? That’s so unfair it’s sadistic. Whomever made up that stupid ass rule really fucked up big time.

Imagine if dogs lived 100 years like turtles. You could be 80 years old and the puppy you got as a kid could still be by your side. How cool would that be? Imagine how much less heartache there would be in the world if we didn’t have to say goodbye to our pet dogs. Then there really would be such a thing as unconditional love. If you could have your dog around for your whole life, imagine how much more calm and mellow and at peace everybody would feel. There probably wouldn’t be any fucking wars!

So whatever divine power decided to only give dogs 15 years sure blew a golden fucking opportunity. I don’t understand what the hell he/she/it was thinking.

That’s all I have to say this week. Thanks.

Rosie had a curly mascara line around her eyes. She was the color of pancakes.

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Monday, December 9, 2019

Cripples Can't Win. Or Maybe it's Just Me

Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know about other cripples. But I find it really hard to enjoy winning, which really sucks because that takes a lot of the fun out of life.

I mean, take for example Ali Stroker, that woman in a wheelchair who won a Tony award last summer for Best Featured Actress in a Musical. She starred in Oklahoma. I’m sure she kicked ass and really deserved the award. I hope she enjoyed it. But if that was me, I’d have a hard time enjoying it because I’d be worried that the only reason they gave it to me was because I’m crippled. That’s what sucks. Cripples don’t win a lot of stuff in life and you know the only reason why you don’t is because you’re crippled. Nobody in a wheelchair ever won a Tony award before not because cripples aren't good enough to win Tony awards but because for a long time nobody ever cast cripples in the kind of roles that might win Tony awards. The reason that changed is because some people bitched that cripples aren’t ever cast in the kind of roles that might win Tony awards. So if I was the first cripple to win a Tony Award, I’ d be worried that the only reason they gave it to me was to shut up those people who were bitching. I bet that’s what the uncrippled performers who got beat out by Ali Stroker thought, though none of them would ever say it out loud.

I guess what I need to do to get over this stupid inadequacy complex is take up with the Paralympic cripples. If you win a Paralympics medal you can’t wonder if the only reason you won it is because you’re crippled because everybody’s crippled. But then I’d probably tell myself maybe it doesn’t really count because it’s just a cripple medal, not a real medal.

I guess what I’d need to do to get over that stupid inadequacy complex is remind myself that the only reason the regular Olympics are considered superior to the Paralympics is because most people are uncrippled and uncrippled people created the regular Olympics in their own image. It's probably true that if a cripple tried to compete in the regular Olympics they’d never win. But the same thing is true if an uncrippled athlete tried to compete in the Paralympics. Put a gold medal sprinter in a racing wheelchair and see how far they get. They’ll be left in dust. So who’s so fucking superior, huh?

But maybe it’s just me. I don’t know about other cripples.

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Monday, December 2, 2019

Equal Time for Idiots

There’s too much bitter divisiveness in America these days. I think it’s very important for all of us to consider the perspectives of those with views different from our own, even if they’re idiots.

Thus, so as to practice what I preach, I’m beginning a new feature where I occasionally bring in a guest blogger to express opinions that are profoundly different from mine. This is my attempt to build bridges and promote healing. I call it Equal Time for Idiots.

So please give warm a Smart Ass Cripple welcome to Aaron P. Smugly, executive director of the American Libertarian Freedom Association (ALFA), our first guest idiot. Take it away Aaron.

Thank you so much, Smart Ass Cripple, for this opportunity. ALFA is an organization that promotes and defends the bedrock American values of personal freedom and responsibility. Our members don’t just believe in those values, we embody them. We begin each day with an affirmation. We look proudly in the mirror and repeat five times, “I am ALFA!”

Let us consider the hypothetical and metaphorical scenario of an individual I will refer to as Mr. X. Mr. X had the misfortune of being born with two fully-functioning heads. First of all, let me say that I know that I speak for all ALFA members when I say that my heart goes out to Mr. X and all those born with defects and deficits. Because of his defects, Mr. X will have additional challenges to overcome in life. For example, he will have to pay twice as much for necessities such as haircuts and dental floss. In order to address this misfortune, many liberals would advocate a confiscational approach i.e the creation of a new bureaucracy to levy additional taxes and redistribute wealth to the Mr. Xs of the world in the form of vouchers for free haircuts and dental floss. Those of us who cherish liberty above all must not be so intimidated by the tyranny of political correctness that we cannot affirm that whereas we sympathize with the misfortune of Mr. X, we did not inflict it upon him. Therefore, we should not be penalized for it. This is the province of charity. Americans have shown time and time again that they will volunatarily rise up to help the less fortunate if they are called upon to do so with the proper deference. I’m sure that if an upstanding foundation such as United Way was to launch a dental floss drive for Mr. X, millions of Americans would gladly purchase dental floss and donate it to the cause. If there was a 5k run to raise money for a haircut fund for Mr. X, generous Americans would turn out in droves.

Appealing to the “better angels of our nature” is the prudent course for those with defects and deficits to overcome their lot. The vast majority of the citizens of this great republic are extraordinarily kind and generous, as long as no one is forcing them to be that way.

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