Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Desperate Plea for Hate Mail

I’m very disappointed. Smart Ass Cripple has been in business for two months now and we haven’t gotten any hate mail yet. Hate mail is very important. I believe it was Confucius who said, “One can best judge the character of a man by the quantity and quality of his hate mail.”

Hate mail is an essential self-evaluation tool for me. It reassures me that I’m pissing off the right people. So if I don’t get some hate mail soon I might have to take drastic action. I might have to write something about Jerry Lewis.

Nothing whips up a tornado of hate mail more than when I write something suggesting that Jerry is less than a deity. About two years ago I wrote an opinion piece for the Progressive Media Project criticizing the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences for presenting Lewis with its Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award. I said the telethon insults disabled kids and adults by perpetuating the destructive 1950s charity mentality.

Here’s one reader reply:

“Your comments (in my mind) seem to originate from someone who is bitter, cynical and just plain angry with the world. Yes, you have a serious disability but don't poison the world with your venom and hate.”

A mother of two adopted disabled kids sent this heart-felt reply:

“Get your head out of your butt …! Drop the hate and get a life that matters..!!”

But my most gratifying hate mail came from Lewis himself. It wasn’t exactly mail but it was hateful nonetheless. In a 1993 interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Lewis broke into a rant about cripples who speak out against him:

"This one kid in Chicago would have passed through this life and never had the opportunity to be acknowledged by anybody, but he found out that by being a dissident he gets picked up in a limo by a television station."

Hey, that’s little old me!

And he added:

"It just kills me to think about these people getting publicity. These people are leeches. They all glommed on to being Jerry-bashers. What did they have before that? They're disabled people who are so bitter at the bad hand they've been dealt that they have to take down somebody who's doing good. There's 19 of them, but these people can hurt what I have built for 45 years. There's a million and a half people who depend on what I do! I've raised one billion three hundred million dollars.

"These 19 people don't want me to do that. They want me to stop now? Fuck them.”

Now that’s classic hate mail. I’ll probably never reach that pinnacle again, but I keep trying.

But I’m trying to lay off Jerry because I’m afraid of terrorism. The French love him and they have nuclear weapons. If Jerry goes down, they may decide to take the rest of the world down with him.

So please don’t make me do it. For the sake of my sense of self-worth I must get some hate mail soon. You can help. Please send the link for Smart Ass Cripple to anyone I might piss off. This especially includes (but is not limited to) racists, gimpophobes, homophobes, republicans, religious freaks, fascists, patriots, the French and Yankee fans.

If you love me, you’ll help me get some hate mail.


  1. Mr. Irven:

    I was disgusted and appalled by your recent posting. I was also disgusted by the “When Service Monkeys Attack” piece, but it was funny. I personally intend to boycott your blog until you pledge to stop the hate. I also would like to request more of the perverted monkey stuff.

    Sincerely hatful,

  2. Out of Office reply. Thak you for your hate mail. I am currently out of the office but I will send a hateful response when I return.
    Sincerely, Smart Ass Cripple

  3. Dear Mr Ervin, if indeed you are a "MR" at all,

    1. You ARE ungratefull. Jerry Lewis made the funniest movies of "all time", and you can't even do him the tiniest favor of letting him "exploit" your disability to prop his divine ass up. What's your problem?
    2. More importantly, you are gay. I have a lot of evidence Miss Ervin, so don't thou protesteth too much, cause i'll see right through you. first of all, those disgusting detailed fantasies about you in a pansy ass cardboard box float making smoochy face kisses to all your loyal "fans" (aka, the boys in tight pants). second, how many measures of the thinly veiled version of "I feel pretty" did you really have to assail us with? How long were you spinning around in your "wheelchair", probably decorated with pink flowers, singing in falsetto pretending to be natalie merchant before you wrote THAT particular entry? Thirdly, your entry about Don't ask don't tell was just far too gratuitous to be coming from a "disinterested supporter". Finally, all those lascivious details about having your unmentionables wiped (hello miss ervin, "wipe" is a synonym for "touch") by, hello, MALE "employees".
    3. all that talk about "poisonous" mushrooms. Are you a depraved druggie, or what. If there's anything that has ruined this country more than queers, it's depraved druggies.
    4. I can't believe you made "fun" of thanksgiving. Gay, Druggie, ungrateful, and just "straight" up telling nasty lies about the sacred institutions of this country.

    Now, i certainly don't have the clout of Mr. Lewis, as much as i admire him as a comic genius and a true humanitarian, but my hate mail is just as scathing as anyone else's. so, read it and weep, miss Ervin.

    a very concerned and only somewhat uniformed american.

    How was that?

  4. How can I hate someone that quotes Confucius so accurately?!

  5. I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Go and boil your bottom, you son of a silly person. I blow my nose at you!

    OK I get 0 points for originality. but its certainly abusive enough, isn't it?

  6. So "i'm reading the n'th printing of Mark Twain's Autobiography that is NOW authorized because it is really 100 years since his death. Sam said he didn't want the people he blasted, or their children or their grandchildren, to have to read and be hurt by his writing. So thank GAWD you are not so shy about your caustic humor.
    hate mail:
    I just hate how you pitiful people try to get pity by attacking those selfless dogooders like Jerry and his friends.
    Signed, disgusted in Baltimore

  7. This flood of hate mail has me all choked up, just like Sally Field. "You hate me! You reeeeally hate me!"

  8. Just ran across your fantastic blog and had to check it out since we share part of a nickname (smart ass). Glad to see you live up to it. :D

    In case you still sometimes feel unhated I thought I'd pass along a solution for you: The Shakespearean Insult Generator. (
    With it you can automatically generate a random insult like "Thou churlish fool-born moldwarp!" or "You are as rheumatic as two dry toasts!".

    So you never have to feel not hated again- thou errant unwash'd fustilarian!