Friday, August 19, 2011

Evil Bastards All!

Holy crap!

Did you hear the earth-shattering news?

A team of geneticists at John Hopkin's University, after decades of research, have pinpointed a single cause for what makes people crippled, no matter what kind of cripple they are. These researchers meticulously studied the DNA of millions of cripples from all over the world and they determined with scientific certainty that the single reason people become crippled is because God is punishing them for something evil they did in their previous life.


I mean some people have been preaching that punished by God shit for centuries but we always dismissed them as dumbass superstitions. But now there’s scientific proof that they were right all along! This is some monumental shit these John Hopkin's guys discovered! The Vegas oddsmakers have them as a cinch to win the Nobel Prize.

And now I’ll never look at cripples the same way again. Every time I see one now, I’ll wonder what kind of evil bastard they used to be. The guy I’m really wondering about is that Stephen Hawking. As thoroughly crippled up as he is, in his previous life he must have been like Hitler or something. And consequently he’s condemned to live this life as distinguished Lucasion Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge, best-selling author and recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

And I’m also wondering about this young woman I know who’s not very crippled up at all. She just has a little bit of a limp. Other than that she’s smart and good-looking and she talks clear as a bell and she looks pretty much normal. God didn’t punish her too bad so in her previous life she must have just had a bunch of unpaid parking tickets.

And I’ll never look at myself the same way again either. What kind of evil bastard was I? I know I wasn’t as evil as Hawking because God didn’t punish me quite as bad as he punished him. At least I can talk. But if Hawking was something like Hitler, I must’ve been something nearly as despicable. I bet in my previous life I was a superstar athlete. I was young and strong. I had a million dollars, a zillion women and a solid gold Rolls Royce, which I always parked in those handicapped parking spaces.

But the guys I’m wondering about the most are those who have the most terrifying cripple condition of all. You can’t tell by looking at them. They strut around chin up, pretending like there’s nothing wrong. But sooner or later their cripple condition manifests and they are mortified. Most guys would rather be like Stephen Hawking ten times over than to have what these guys have. Impotence.

God is punishing the hell out of those guys.


  1. Your previous life? Picture it: Sicily, 1912. No, you are not one of the guys who started cosa nostra. You are one of the local corrupted sheriffs for whom the response was the formation of caso nostra.

  2. WTF? What JHU study? Me? I tortured children in my priors. Yep. Karma's a B!T(). I must have been good at it too. and what a dreadful punishment too, good work, good life, good love, good fights... OH wait, I'm being punished? oops? I meant bad life... oh poor me...

  3. What of us who are slowly being crippled by genetics in our 60s?

  4. I have a bad knee...but I do get to park in handicapped spaces and not pay parking meters...

  5. I'm posting as anonymous until I get your blog figured out .. name is jayne in this life .. found you through Roger Ebert RT. Finally an answer for the neuropathy I have suffered with for the last six years in my feet making it almost impossible to walk.. yay!! Here I thought being born FEMALE in an ABUSIVE household was penance enough for something pastlife terrible .. but then SO confusing because I was born in and allowed to live in San Diego California.. heaven right? But I was born a brunette not a blonde :( but I am 'almost beautiful' a lady in a restaurant told me except for my bad skin :( hmmm then the people who like Jane Fonda who say I look like her yay! or hate her and have chased me yelling at me .. not yay!

    So now John Hops figures we were baddies in past lives? How does that play against the good stuff? Well damn it I gave birth to 3 kids in 3 years .. the first one 12lbs after 48 hours of labor!! (Emergency C section finally).. take that karma police!

  6. Why should I be punished for something my past self did?

  7. Only seven comments so far and already I'm saddened by people's inability to recognize sarcasm.

  8. But you know, those Jerry Lewis haters are the evilest of evil. I mean, how dare you bastards criticize Jerry Lewis, especially since he financed this here study all by himself. My god Mike, what is He gonna do to you in your NEXT life??? :-D

  9. it's not john hopkins. it's johnS hopkins.

  10. Damn,I wish I could remember my past life because I must have created some serious hell!! Probably on the level of Bonnie and Clyde or Lizzie Borden.

  11. The university is Johns Hopkins, not John Hopkins.