Monday, August 29, 2011

Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe

Sometimes I see the little criplets of the 21st Century whipping around in tiny motorized wheelchairs. These criplets are only five or six years old but they whirl and ricochet like wee maniacs. I lament because I sure as hell never had a chair like that when I was that age. My first wheelchair was basically a hand truck with a seat. I didn’t get into my first motorized chair until I was an adolescent at the state-operated cripple boarding school. And that was one of earliest, clunky model T motorized wheelchairs, as plodding as a brontosaurus.

The chairs today’s criplets drive are sleek and customized. They kick into gear and sprint. I try not to be bitter and jealous but it’s hard. Because I know if I had a powerful motorized wheelchair like that so early on, it would have drastically altered not only the arc of my life but the entire course of human history. The world would be quite a different place because with that kind of acceleration under my antsy butt, I would have soon ended up as one of two things: Either a) Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe, or 2) dead.

Let us consider the second scenario first, since it’s far more likely. Sitting little me into one of today’s wild bull wheelchairs, flipping on the power switch and telling me to go for it would’ve been as dangerous and irresponsible as handing little me a chain saw, flipping on the power switch and telling me to go for it. Smart Ass Criplet transforms instantly into an adrenaline junkie, intoxicated by my sudden ability to zip from zero to maniac in two seconds! Feeling immortal and indestructible, I would’ve promptly slammed into a brick wall or played chicken with an oncoming train.

What a different world this would be if that happened. There would be no Smart Ass Cripple and you wouldn’t be reading this silliness. Think of all the more constructive things you could do with your time.

But had I somehow survived, I would most assuredly have gone on to be Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe. As a child, it was my aspiration to become Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe. My mother wanted me to be something more practical, like an accountant, but I had bigger dreams. I definitely had the drive, desire, devilish instincts and conniving nature to become Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe. All I lacked was the horsepower. And by the time I took my first ride in a motorized chair I was 13, and you know how you are at that age. Oh sure, you’d still love to be Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe, but not if you have to work for it. You expect the universe to walk up and hand it to you. And anyway, that first motorized wheelchair was as fast and nimble as a tank so it wasn’t conducive to becoming Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe.

Had I achieved my career goal of Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe, life in the universe would be paradise. With Smart Ass Cripple in charge, all our problems would be over. Because first off, there would be no republicans. Republicans? Outlawed, by the first decree of the Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe! That right there would solve 80 percent of our problems. And also, beer would be free! All beer abundant and free by decree! That would solve the other 20 percent.


  1. Liberals on beer? Would there have been a Great Society? Well, they were thinking about it, but Ted bought everybody another round. Hey, if a poor guy asks me for a quarter for the jukebox, I'll give it to him –– but only if he promises not to play “Lucille” for the millionth time. Somehow, they always promise, but they sucker me and I fall for it.

  2. World with you as a Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe sounds like a good world. This post was great and I'll definitely be showing it to my cousin because I know that she'll appreciate it as much as I do

  3. "Omnipotent Ruler" has a nice ring to it, but (1) it sounds exhausting (who needs another 24/7 job?) and (2) other folks have already tried it and sullied the title (See: Caligula, Stalin, and Cheney). But, Mike, consider this: The Salvation Army has completely kick-ass job titles. They actually have one called "Territorial Commander." You, as Territorial Commander of Chicago! A much more manageable gig than Omnipotent Ruler and I'm sure you could put your legions of bell ringers to very creative uses. Just saying.

  4. This post could be a drinking game. Every time you say "Omnipotent Ruler of the Universe" everyone has to drink.

  5. OMINIPOTENT RULER OF THE UNIVERSE should be sitting at the bar at the Restaurant at the end of Universe waiting for the destruction of planet Earth as it is cleared out of the way for an intergalatic highway. OH Wait, that book has already been written. But where is my free beer.
    Thanks for the chuckles!!!

  6. Hot tap. Cold tap. Beer tap.


  7. Oh, wait, guess I should have used:

    Hot faucet. Cold faucet. Beer faucet.


  8. God damn right I AM JEALOUS! All those criplets getting into trouble on their own. I had to wait for my sister who is three younger to grow up a little for my real trouble making.