Sunday, April 22, 2012

Lazy Cripple Sits on Ass for Entire Graduation

Ah springtime. A round, smiley-faced sun embedded in a wreath of rays beams high in the sky. Birds twerpy-twerp-twerp in the trees. All is fresh and new.

God how I dread this time of year. Because, in keeping with the cruel irony of life, along with the warmth and wonder of spring comes the inevitable, ruthless outbreak of news stories about graduating cripples who rise from their wheelchairs and walk across the stage to receive their diplomas.

Standing ovation!

I don’t get it. Where’s the shame in rolling up to get your diploma? I can’t escape the month of May without being mugged by these stories. I keep hoping every new spring will finally be the spring where this narrative reaches the cliché saturation point and thus becomes no longer newsworthy. But in fact, the walking crippled graduate stories are popping up more and more. I don’t get that either. Maybe it’s another of the bizarre consequences of global warming. What else could it be?

But then again if the rising cripple phenomenon become so commonplace that journalists yawn, might there be an equal and opposite reaction? Might the converse become newsworthy? When graduating cripples don’t feel compelled to prove whatever the hell those other cripples are trying to prove when they lurch across the stage, I wonder if there will then be headlines like LAZY CRIPPLE SITS ON ASS FOR ENTIRE GRADUATION. And when that happens, how will graduation audiences react when cheated of their chance to give a standing ovation? Will they boo and throw tomatoes at said cripple?

That’s the problem. When a cripple takes a notion to get up and walk at graduation, they’ve got nothing to lose. If they make it they’re a hero. But if they fall on their ass they’re still a hero for trying. Either way they get a prize. It’s like the damn Special Olympics.

But what if there was some risk involved? Suppose if they fell they were booed and pelted with tomatoes. That might make them think twice about trying to pull that walking stunt. It’s only fair. Cripples should be treated like everyone else. Success brings rewards and failure brings consequences.

Maybe this would put a stop to this nonsense once and for all! Because if it doesn’t stop, it’s clear what will happen to a graduating cripple who won’t even try to walk. The principal will dangle a diploma tantalizingly above their head, just high enough to where they have to stand to reach it.

May is the longest month of the year. I swear it’s 427 days long. And when it finally finally finally passes, then comes June, which is also 427 days long. Because June is wedding season and with it comes the ruthless outbreak of news stories about crippled brides or grooms who rise from their wheelchairs and walk down the aisle.

Again, I prescribe the same antidote. Arm all wedding guests with tomatoes. And if the bride or groom doesn’t make it to the altar they pay the price. Because if it this doesn’t stop, when a crippled bride or groom won’t even try to walk down the aisle, the minister will dangle the wedding ring tantalizingly above their head, and you know the rest.


  1. I want you to be my token cripple friend.

  2. So, graduation ceremonies are somehow connected to faith healing? I'm going back to college!

  3. On a Friday afternoon at the office…what a great reading you gave me. And, since English is my second language, I learned 5 new words: dread, mugged, lurch, dangle, tantalizingly.


  4. i am a sit -on-graduation Cripple

  5. I sometimes have to ask an associate at a Target or a Giant Food for help because something - usually soda - is on the top shelf of the aisle.

    So I'll chase one down, and they're always nice about it. I will always thank them, saying how I'm glad they understand that it's because I'm too lazy to get up out of my chair and get it, not because I'm crippled and can't walk. That usually makes them break out in laughter.

    I point out you have to have a sense of humor when you're in a wheelchair or you'll go nuts (or postal.)

  6. I have to say,this title alone is a gem. The rest is pure gold. I have learned never to eat while reading this blog,too much of a choking hazard! Thank you for doing this, it's the most hilarious and eye-opening blog I've found so far.All the best to you!