Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Special Needs

When they talk about people who have “special needs,” just whom are they talking about? I think they think they’re talking about me.

Oh shit! If that’s the case then that officially makes me “needy.” That means I’m screwed because nobody likes needy people.

I don’t feel like they’re talking about me when they say “special needs.” I can’t think of anything I need that’s all that special. I need to eat, sleep and eliminate bodily waste. I need to breathe.  I need to get up out of bed every day and go do something. I need to wash the crud off of my body. I need to laugh. Nothing special about all that. I need to get laid. (Maybe that’s where the special part comes in, at least as far as cripples are concerned.)

When I think of people with special needs, I think of like vampires. Vampires need to drink virgin blood every day in order to stay “alive.” They can’t get by on burgers and fries like the rest of us. Vampires need to sleep in coffins during daylight hours. Now those are special needs.

Vampires are needy as hell! I know that vampires are a bad example of human neediness because they’re make-believe. And yes, I do acknowledge that there are real live humans who do indeed have very special, very extraordinary needs that place a heavy burden on the rest of society. The most obvious example is Trump. There’s one needy sonuvabitch for you. That guy needs a constant, endless flow of money. He needs money like the rest of us need oxygen. He thinks he’ll die if he doesn’t get more money. No matter how much money he has today, he needs to have more tomorrow. His need for money is far beyond special. It’s grotesque.

Unfortunately, Trump is not make-believe. And he’s not the only person with this type of special need. And almost all of those with this terrible affliction are verts (which is short for verticals, which is slang for people who walk). But when someone says “special needs,” they’re never talking about verts. They’re always talking about cripples.

Nobody wants to be perceived as needy because nobody likes needy people. We all act like we love the needy but we don’t. The only people who like hanging around needy people are heavy duty codependent types. I bet if somebody took a survey to determine the leading reasons why people get dumped by their lovers, at the top of the list would be neediness. “He/she was just tooooo needy.”

That’s the way it works. Don’t get too needy or you’ll get dumped.


  1. Long time reader, first time commenter here. This is great. I'll never use the term indiscriminately again but I'll laugh like a hyena every time I hear or read it, remembering this post.
    Which of course will lead others to speculate I have special needs...

  2. First time reader (sent here by Twitter), and this is brilliant. I'll definitely think before I use the term again, and it will always make me laugh.

  3. My daughter has a learning disability. She also has special needs - needs that center around shiny crap she buys for her ears, or around her neck or wrists and I swear, it's as important to her as money is to trump.

    Thanks Ebert for pointing me to this. Regular reader now...

  4. To me, the special needs classification means someone does not want my child associating with their child, so they developed a system of exclusion to make sure their child will never come in contact with mine.

    In some respects I am okay with that. Their child seems to have been born into this world to make my child feel inferior. Why would I want my child associating with anyone who makes her feel like that?

  5. As evidenced by the amount of "public assistance" they receive, the Fortune 500 corporations are the specialist of the special needy's.

  6. I have never felt the designation was very useful-we are all special needs. Everyone is abled/disabled in their own way, to paraphrase an old song.

  7. There's a difference between "neediness" and "need". Neediness is a false need, it's over-needing. However, we all need. We need food, shelter, an income, an outlet for our productivity, friends and fun or we will be very miserable characters. Needing does not make people victims, it makes them normal.

    However, people who do not have all the abilities of the average population to maintain their needs are entitled to have their "special needs" considered. Why should a wheelchair bound person not be able to get in or out of public buildings, have access to a movie theater, or be able to get on a bus that can accommodate the wheelchair? Why should someone with mental challenges not have a chance to improve his or her prospects and have a chance to contribute by getting education tailored especially for their ability to learn?

    Maybe you'd prefer the days when "special needs" people were simply exposed on a hillside to die after birth. Then no one would have to bother with accommodating their "special needs".

    1. Sooo, should we call them "some assistance required" people??

  8. so what do you wanna be called?