Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The Quest

I spent the majority of my adolescence pissing into a mayonnaise jar.

There were two reasons for this. First, I was raised in the frugal “babushka” culture. The American babushkas, primarily of eastern European extraction, were the earliest recyclers, long before recycling was fashionable. Thus we reuse everything that can be reused until we reuse it to death. But we do it not for environmental but for economic reasons. So if after you eat all your mayonnaise you then put the perfectly good and sturdy jar to work as a urinal, you can then take the money you would have otherwise spent on a urinal and spend it on something else or, better yet, put it in the bank! That's the babushka way!

But the other reason I pissed into a mayonnaise jar was because even if I did have money to burn purchasing frivolous things like urinals, it was hard to find a person or place to purchase one from. They didn’t even sell them at drug stores. You almost had to turn to the black market. For some reason urinals were among the most unmentionable of the unmentionables. I don’t know why. They’re just cripple chamber pots.

A good pisser was hard to find. This is not the case today. Today’s cripples have it soft. If they need a urinal, they can find a wide variety of them on Amazon. And unlike many items on Amazon, none of the urinals are used.

This has done a lot to improve the quality of life of the modern cripple. We no longer have to devote a large portion of our time and energy embarking on the great pisser quest. Finding a pisser used to be like finding the holy grail. Once, not too long ago, my wife came home and proclaimed that she had a special gift for me. She proudly presented me a urinal she found at a drug store. She knew I’d be thrilled. It was still in the box and everything! It had that brand new urinal smell!

And a few years before that, still not long ago, I was extra excited on the day I was to visit the FDR memorial in Washington, D.C.  Maybe, I thought, just maybe, I might get lucky and find a pisser at the cripple-themed FDR memorial gift shop! Of course by the end of the day I came to the brutal realization of just how na├»ve I was to believe that the gift shop would stock souvenir pissers. FDR was the leader of the free world so he must have felt great pressure to stand up and piss like a man.

I admit that even I used to feel uneasy about gratuitous displays of pissers. There was this guy who always went around with his pisser hanging right there plain as day on the back of his wheelchair. He rolled around the state capitol with his pisser on the back of his chair, shaking hands with Senators. He’d put on a suit testify at committee hearings: “Because of this state program I am able live with dignity!” And there was his pisser. It made me cringe, but what a hypocrite I was. Would confirming that cripples had bodily functions really ruin our credibility with the Senators?

 I’m glad I got over it. 


  1. I share your quest. Piss is so crucial.

  2. I think my brother used a urinal for several months after his back operation. His operation was in 77 at Children's in Columbus. The operation is no longer performed on kids with Scoliosis because It's cruel. He was cut from neck to his hips, he was in Children's for 3 months and wore a body cast for a year.

  3. George Carlin had a great quote..

    "No one wants anything to do with your bodily fluids unless they REALLY need em, man....if they need your blood, sure, its fine, but piss, snot, get that shit away from me!"

    I suppose there is a respectable heirachy of sorts with bodily fluid....blood is the noble lifesaver, and can be shared....seeing it is gross, and you pretty much dont want to toucb someone elses, but its cool if you are in a state of trauma....pee I would rank second, as you do that in public...shit is always a private affair, so I imagine some shame thing is going on there....so shit would be third....at the bottom I would say is snot, in that after three, it is never polite to pick ones nose in public..then again, shitting in public view would definitely carry far more social approbation and have you thrown in the clink overnite, so shit on second thought wohld prob be most vile

    Last and worst is vomit....perhaps the most gross bod fluid we can encounter is someone elses upchuck....just looks so wrong, as if the body said, hey I dont want this inside me anymore and I am going to make you hurl this violently out of your mouth oriface....sort of the mouths version of diahrea.

    Thank you for letting me contribute what is possibly the only ranking of bodily fluids ever put on paper/keyboard..hey, someone had to do it.