Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Full Liberation

I made it. I’m on the list. I should be ecstatic.

There it is. Muscular dystrophy. That’s me. I’m smack in the middle of the list of conditions that now make one eligible to legally receive medical marijuana in Illinois. I’m right there among a bunch of other lucky bustards who have conditions like arachnoiditis, Tarlov cysts, hydromyelia, syringomyelia or cachexia aka wasting syndrome.

The law took effect January 1. For some cripples on that list, this means the moment of complete liberation has finally arrived. All the years of political struggle have finally have paid off with the ultimate legislative victory. For some cripples I know, all they want is a warm place to take their daily dump and the right to get high in peace. Of course I know plenty of people like that who aren’t crippled, too. Who doesn’t?

 For those cripples, utopia is finally here. And all you need to enter is a doctor’s prescription. And this utopia is a much sweeter place when only cripples can get in and only certain cripples at that.  If this was a state like Colorado where any old slob can waltz in and buy pot, it would take almost all the fun out it because that would take away the revenge factor. Cripples on the medical marijuana VIP list can use the new law to get even with all the punks who used to call them spaz. The VIP cripples can throw a Bygones-be-Bygones party and invite all the punks who used to call them spaz. Then the VIP cripples can gleefully blow smoke in the faces of the punks and say, “Don’t you wish you were a spaz now, mofo?”

There’s another great reason I should sign up right away. The law allows cripples who qualify for medicinal pot to select a “designated caregiver” to assist in administering their pot. This would enable me to finally provide some upward mobility for the members of my pit crew. Whoever plays their cards right gets promoted by me to the position of designated caregiver. There’s no extra pay but there’s a definite fringe benefit. Technically, the designated caregiver isn’t allowed to partake of my stash but hey, if I happen to turn my back for a few minutes---.

Rahnee’s on the list, too. Rheumatoid arthritis. That’s her. We should both sign up right now. We could take our legal pot and say fuck it all and go spend the rest of our lives someplace where it’s always warm and comfortable, like our couch.

There’s no good reason why I shouldn’t sign up. So why haven’t I? Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m one of those greedy, grabby, entitled cripples who’s never satisfied. You let them get high with impunity and they still want more. They still insist on being “full participants in society” and blah blah blah.

I should just declare victory, take my pot and go home. Full liberation is just a prescription away.


  1. Hey meh, I've been following your blog for almost 6 months now without leaving any comment so I decided to quickly say hi today.
    Regards, Daniel from http://danieluyi.com

  2. I've read most of the posts here and am quickly becoming a fan! I think it's important for you to hear Mr.....(Mr.Smart Ass? Mr. S.A. Cripple?) That your blog posts have become one of the favoured topics of interest in our University Inclusion class at St.FX in Nova Scotia! I'm sure you've already gotten one or two posts on here from those of us brave enough to show our support!
    We're entering our second semester of our B.Ed Program and are finding too much relevance to ignore in what you're writing! Keep on doing what you're doing, it's providing an invaluable education for us, and thusly the kids we'll soon be teaching!
    I guess the only question I have then, would be what are some of the things you would like to get out there to kids growing up (whether "abled" or "disabled") and let them know about the sort of things you've been through? As future educators, hopefully we'll be smart enough to take those ideas and try to get something done about it!
    --Chelsea D.

  3. Really?!? I myself have Muscular Dystrophy, Spinal Muscular Atrophy to be more specific, and never thought if I'd be eligible for medical marijuana. I live in WA state too! I might have to do some research now. As a fellow cripple, I love this blog. I also just recently started a blog as well, and would like to know what you think. It's called Cripple Please. Keep up the great posts!

  4. Yes! People are massively misinformed on the benefits of medical marijuana, and for some reason, purposely ignore "medical" when they see "marijuana". This is slowly changing, and with the recent spate of legalizations, more people like you will benefit from easier and legal access to medical marijuana. Cheers!
    Vincent Mehdizadeh @ CannaMedBox.com