Monday, August 10, 2015

Crippled Enough to Collect

I’m thinking about finally applying to collect some of that cripple Social Security I’ve been paying into for all these years. But I’m afraid.

I’m afraid the Social Security people will decide I’m not crippled enough to qualify to collect cripple Social Security. You would think that if anyone is crippled enough to qualify to collect, it would be me, right? But not necessarily. Because over the past few decades, many dedicated advocates have tirelessly campaigned to prove to the world that if given the opportunity, cripples are capable of performing just about any job. And in so doing they may have fucked things up for the rest of us.

Because in order to collect cripple Social Security, you can’t just be crippled. Oh no. You have to be so crippled that you are unable to work. That means, according to Social Security standards, that you can longer do whatever work that you did previously and you also cannot transition into doing any other kind of work.

Well hell, if you insist on being that picky about it, then maybe nobody is crippled enough to collect cripple Social Security anymore. Because, theoretically, even cripples who are in a permanent vegetative state can work, if given the opportunity. They can get jobs as casino greeters. We can park them in their gurneys right inside the entrance and hang signs around their necks that say WELCOME TO THE CASINO.

And also over the past few decades, miraculous advances in technology have made it possible for just about every cripple to work, dammit. Pretty much every cripple can operate a computer. I’ve seen news stories about cripples who can’t move or talk or do anything but blink but if you put this special high-tech skullcap on their heads they can operate a computer with their brainwaves. So these cripples can probably do data entry, if given the opportunity.

And of course everybody knows about legendary, inspiring crippled role models like Stephen Hawking and Helen Keller. They prove that you are never too crippled to be productive. So I’m afraid I’ll go to the Social Security office and the Social Security people will be inspired by these great role models to turn me down for cripple Social Security and tell me to go get a job as a casino greeter.

Being crippled no longer comes with the automatic assumption that we are unable to work. What a pain in the ass that is.

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  1. OMG, that was funny. If we follow your logic, I might be able to be a Walmart greeter, if they don't require walking. After all, I can talk and even type, sorta. I am going to link to his post in my tomorrow post. If I can stop laughing long enough.

  2. I can't get a job at Wally world even as a greeter, because I got a bad attitude and it doesn't have a damn thing to do with my being disabled sitting in a wheelchair. My bad attitude comes from watching all the able-bodied jack-asses parking in disabled spots while they jog into Wally world to stock up on junk food. When did Motor Vehicles decide that being "stupid" is a disability? These same people are probably on disability benefits and poor ol' crippled folks like you and me can't get on benefits because we're not stupid enough.
    You should take your Smart Ass Cripple butt down to your local SSA office and tell them you're a Stupid Ass Cripple and I bet they'll sign you up on the spot. Go for it.

  3. We would love it if you would write a blog post for the CareerACCESS initiative about this exact topic. Our initiative aims to reform current Social Security policies and redefine disability so people with disabilities don't have to prove they can't work to receive benefits (you can find out more on our website We are collecting stories from people with disabilities that you can read about on our website to bring awareness about this subject. If you're interested, please email us at We'd love to share your story and opinion!

  4. I just had to walk down to my doctor's office with my Seeing Eye dog to ask him to fill out a form to confirm the miracle hadn't happened= I feell your pain and your reluctance to ask for benefits. In other

  5. Intolerance is the most crippling attitude of all for anyone who has it or becomes its target. If only people were valued and they could work. Those who want to work could then be able to have the jobs so many abler people take for granted. They would bring stability to a world drowning in inconsistencies. I have noticed great skills in many people with Autism Spectrum Disorder. They can knit or sculpt or draw for hours and turn out uniform products that look as though they were produced by machines. They remember great quantities of information most people forget in a heartbeat. They connect with the world from childlike perspectives and must accept the status quo. It is a great thing in life to feel valued and useful in the world and a very sad thing that many of them do not feel that way.

  6. SSDI awards disablity and allows you to work a certain amount a month for extra income, and vocational rehabilitation works with you to find job and skills for transition, as well assists with obtaining accessibility tools, tools that create the accommodation in order to work, such as a braille writer, screen reader software, custom workspace, etc.
    People get SSI disability and SSDI confused a lot. They are very different.

  7. You might be able to qualify for presumptive disability. There is a list of conditions that if you have it, they automatically assume that you should get SSI or SSDI. I have cerebral palsy, which was on the list, and I got SSDI on my first attempt despite having worked for a couple of years.

    There are a lot of work programs now where you can earn income and still get benefits. For me the SSDI money is nice, but the essential part is getting Medicaid to pay for my personal care attendants. You really have very little to lose by applying, as you can still work and you'll be able to get many more expenses covered.