Mind Control

It’s amazing what cripples can do with the sheer power of our minds. There’s been some research going on for several years at Brown University where scientists implant a pea-sized sensor into the brains of various cripples. One cripple was then able to move a cursor around a computer screen just by thinking about it. Recently, a thirsty cripple used her mind to command a robotic arm to pick up a beverage bottle and give her a drink.

I’ve heard about stuff like this before. Not too long ago there was a story going around about a mind-controlled wheelchair. A cripple wore this high-tech, wired-up yarmulke and through it he could drive his power wheelchair with his mind. I’ve seen cripples drive power chairs with everything from their toes to their chins. But I’ve never seen anybody drive with their mind. I suspect the mind-controlled wheelchair never made it out of the lab because of a fatal design flaw. The scientists failed to take into account that in order for cripples to successfully operate mind-controlled wheelchairs, they have to first to be able to control their own minds.

Cripples are only human. So picture a gorgeous summer day where a cripple is out happily motoring along in his mind-controlled chair. But then, across the street, appears a woman in a skimpy sundress. The inevitable, abrupt reversal of blood flow occurs. In that tragic instant, a mind-controlled wheelchair transforms into a penis-controlled wheelchair. The chair pops a wheelie. The tires squeal and burn rubber. The chair shoots through the oncoming traffic, hurdling toward its object of desire. The cripple tries frantically to free the barreling chair from the grip of the maniacal influence of the penis by thinking about baseball. But there has never been a more single-minded creature than the agitated penis.

I don’t trust guide dogs for this same reason. I know their raised from pups to follow human orders and never succumb to any natural doggie impulses. But guide dogs are still dogs. Surely there have been cases where one took off after a squirrel, dragging the blind person behind like tin cans on a wedding car. I’m sure it’s happened thousands of times. We just never hear about it because a) the blind people never live to tell about it and b) there’s been an elaborate cover-up orchestrated by the powerful guide dog training school lobby.

There’s an infinite range of overwhelming human impulses that can potentially seize control of a mind-controlled wheelchair. For instance, if I’m ever in a mind-controlled wheelchair and I happen to find myself in the same room with Newt Gingrich, that sonuvabitch will be flattened. No questions asked. Before I know it, my wheelchair will slam itself into high gear and steamroll his sorry ass. I’ll be powerless to stop it. Newt’ll have a permanent tire track tattoo across his ass.

I hope I’ll be exonerated by a jury of my peers (if there is such a thing). “Sorry but I saw a loud mouth republican and I lost control of my mind. It was a case of temporary sanity.”

If I can flatten Newt and get off scot-free, a mind-controlled wheelchair would be a pretty sweet investment.