Monday, July 2, 2012

Coulda Beena Borted

My dad had three kids with his first wife. None of them were crippled. Then my dad had three more kids with my mom. All crippled. I was the last one to come along so it must’ve been me they were talking about that day back when I was a tiny criplet and my mom overheard one of her in-laws say, “I blame her for this.”

Blame. That word smacked my mom across the back of the head like an irate nun. You never blame someone for doing something good. “I blame YOU for rescuing my infant child from the jaws of that alligator!”

One of the problems with being crippled is that it’s nearly impossible to sneak up on anybody. People always see and or hear us coming. They can even see most cripples coming while we’re still in the womb these days, what with ultrasound and amniocentesis and all.

I was born back in the days when crippled fetuses could still be stealth. We could fly under the radar and wait until the very last minute to spring our crippledness on everybody. Surprise! And by then it was too late! These days, if you catch us coming early, you can abort us. But once we’re born you’re stuck with us. There are no laws allowing you to smother us and start all over, yet.

My mother always swore she never would have aborted me anyway. Crippled or not, she believed her children would become intelligent, sensitive adults who would use their great talents to make the world a better place. Fortunately, she’s not around to read Smart Ass Cripple.

But still, I’ve always been tempted to form an exclusive cripple fraternity called Coulda Beena Borted. It’s a kinship I share with cripples who are born with spina bifida, Down Syndrome, dwarfism, congenital amputations and all the other stuff obstetricians can spot from a mile away. All you quadriplegics and stroke people and those who became crippled beyond the womb would not be allowed to join Coulda Beena Borted. Sorry. You’re not invited to our annual Coulda Beena Borted reunion and picnic. But all conjoined twins are welcome.

But I’m always hesitant to even bring up this abortion shit because I know what will happen. Some right winger will seize it as an opportunity to show that they are really the true friends of cripples. If they were in charge, we wouldn’t have to worry about being aborted. They would tenaciously defend our right to be born.

They’re right about that. No doubt they would guard every crippled fetus like a junkyard dog, right up until the second they are born. After that, you’re on your own, Maxwell. That’s the American way.

Crippled fetuses are much easier to love than actual crippled humans, especially when they’re still in that cuddly phase all fetuses go through—-half child half tadpole-—with their adorably bulbous bald heads like the Wizard of Oz and their little webbed fingers. Crippled fetuses don’t talk back. But then they’re born and before you know it they get mouthy and start demanding welfare. When they’re born it ruins everything. Their pristine innocence is forever lost. That’s what is meant by original sin.

Therefore, I’ll never follow through on organizing Coula Beena Borted. Because if I do some zealot will hijack a poor future criplet’s ultrasound and turn them into a poster fetus.

18 comments:

  1. I've been enjoying your posts (via Roger Ebert) for quite awhile now. This is the best one yet. I especially like the Stealth Cripple part. And the part about guarding the crippled fetuses like junkyard dogs. This is great social comment.

    By the way, I don't know if you can see it, but your post is surrounded by ads for sonography and ultrasound training, as well as permanent birth control. (That'll fix those Stealth Cripples.) Perfect.

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  2. Who do you know who aborted a child because their parents knew shortly after conception that the baby would have the conditions that you listed? Abortions happen because the mother isn't ready for a child or because the pregnancy endangers the mother's life.

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    1. Thoom, depending upon which studies you read, the rate of abortion for fetuses with Down Syndrome is currently anywhere from 50 to 90 percent. The rates for abortion of fetuses with spina bifida are comparable. The parents are people who wanted a pregnancy; most people who aren't ready for a child or whose lives are in danger don't bother to find out the genetic makeup or physical condition of the child before aborting. Children with disabilities are aborted because *people don't want a child with disabilities.* They often couch it in the language of "I couldn't parent a child with a disability, so I'm going for a 'healthy' one." To which I always respond that if you're not ready to have a disabled kid, don't have a kid at all, because your child could become disabled, and then you'd better be ready.

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    2. I know at least one couple who ended a pregnancy because the kid had spina bifida and I know one or two who have said they'd abort a pregnancy if they found the kid was going to be disabled.

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    3. And, some people selectively abort because they do not want children with potentially very severe, life limiting conditions to be spared brief lives of intense suffering. Reasons for making life-altering decisions are legion and not open to judgement by those who cannot read the souls of parents. Not a black and white issue...mired in gray areas of human reason.

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    4. Rachel hit it right on the nose..a point that nobody ever seems to get. Your kid could BECOME disabled. So can your wife, your husband, your lover, your best friend, your parent....Virtually every person who lives into their 70's, 80's & 90's will develop one form of disability or another.
      theseed9811.blogspot.com

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  3. Damn, you're good. This might be the most entertaining blog post I've ever read. Thx

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  4. The real stealth cripples are the ones with mental illnesses like Depression, Schizophrenia & Bipolar Disorder. We can sneak up behind you or drop from your loins-- then "Whoop--gotcha!" So far, no fetal test for that.

    Thank you, Smartass-- will follow.

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    1. I am a mentally ill person and I love the phrase "stealth cripple" to describe it. Because my brand of bad wiring has a genetic correlation, I wonder if I'd be eligible for Coulda Been Borted? God knows sometimes I wonder if I shoulda.

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  5. Very thoughtful post. I greatly enjoyed it. My personal view is that the brain defines the being, which means early-term abortion would be ethical. Science seems to agree with me on that point. What do you think?

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  7. Hey S-A-C:
    I'm teaching a summer course through our local university here in Oklahoma. I always teach a unit on satire and since Ebert recently likened you to Swift, I think it's high time you joined him in my retinue of satirical authors. I hope you don't mind if I use this post in my teaching (full authorial credit, of course).

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    1. Be warned: I exposed my tender, pink, sheltered undergrads to a dose of Smart Ass Cripple writing. A few blushed violently and looked confused, however for others it opened the floodgates of smart assery. I'm not sure that's what the college had in mind, but I'm proud to have encouraged the next gen of smart ass social critics!

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  8. I completely agree that the ultimate stealth cripple is the mental disease category....says the mother of one with mental disease by birth, who sometimes cries because of the bad luck of her lousy genetics, and two with mental disease by adoption, both of whom were tossed aside after birth both those who didn't want to face their cripple even though they were older when it showed up. Sadly, there IS an after-birth option to reject (no problems with those who place at birth for being overwhelmed but my chilren were tossed at much older ages for mental struggles).

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  9. You missed the second 'p' in 'cripplet'.

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  10. There's no easy answer to this. I believe in the woman's right not to bear a child if they don't want to, but each aborted baby had an existence ahead of it.

    When the solution is worked out let me know.

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  11. I have often wondered about the word crippled as opposed to some more modern and patronizing acronym with the word challenged in it. There is no beating around the bush with crippled. So harsh and glaringly descriptive. I prefer to think of it as a breakfast roll like "apple cripple" or a tool like "hand me the 1/2 inch cripple". Crippling defects refer to the physical rather than the mental aspect of a human. Cripple is so personal.An acronym saves so much pain for the person using the it. Motor Skills Challenged (MSC)feels so good and takes my mind off of the fact that you can't get your ass moving without my help. Maybe I don't have to help at all since you have your own special acronym. "You are a cripple sir" allows me to have disdain for you while being in harsh reality as you are in some special device or home safely away from my sight. What to do with a description of you and your defective condition ? Well, just lower the tables and widen the doorways along with giving you more parking spots than you need so I am aware that you exist. You exist and should determine your own monikers. By the way all you cripples should initiate conversation a bit more so the burden is not all on the real people.

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  12. There's no simple response to this. I believe in the ladies right not to keep a kid if they don't want to, but each aborted child had an lifestyle before it.

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