Monday, September 2, 2013

Smart Ass Cripple as a Role Model

I know I’m a role model, whether I like it or not. So I have to constantly be conscious of how I behave because some people who don’t know much about cripples will base their opinion of all other cripples on their opinion of me. I may not agree with this reality but I accept it and I always try to conduct myself with that in mind.

For example, I know how important employment is to my people so I have tried hard when in the workplace to debunk the misconceptions employers have about cripples. I’ve done this by quitting many jobs. Because those who try to convince employers to hire cripples always cite research that shows what loyal employees cripples are. We come in early, we stay late, we never call in sick, we never take vacations, we never ask for a raise. Isn’t that pathetic? It makes us sound so desperate. It makes it sound like if we ever get a job, any job, we’ll never ever let go no matter what. So whenever I get a job, I immediately feel this strong obligation to quit so the employer won’t get the wrong idea about cripples. Because if I work twice as hard as everybody else for the same pay and never complain and never call in pretending to be sick because I feel like staying home and watching the ballgame, then my boss will expect every other cripple to do the same.

I also felt great pressure to be a role model when I lived in government-subsidized public housing for cripples. So I threw parties featuring adult piñatas. Adult piñatas are full of adult stuff like condoms and joints and those little airline bottles of booze and cigarettes and furry handcuffs. I did this because cripples living in government-subsidized public housing aren’t supposed to throw parties featuring adult piñatas. They can maybe throw Tupperware parties, but that’s about it. Cripples are supposed to be as desperate to land an apartment in government-subsidized public housing as we are to land a job. When we get it, we’re not supposed to do anything that might remotely fuck it up. Throwing parties featuring adult piñatas probably could have gotten me kicked out of government-subsidized public housing for cripples. I’m sure there was something in my lease to that effect.

In my lifetime I’ve consumed shitloads of beer because I feel I must. Some people have this idea that cripples are the only adult humans ever with no desire to be intoxicated. Abstinence. So it’s my duty as a role model to drink beer by the metric shitload. And if I'm ever hauled off to a nursing home, that sense of duty will intensify exponentially. Because cripples in nursing homes are absolutely forbidden to drink beer. So, as a role model, drinking beer will be the first thing I have to do.

But I feel I have let my fellow cripples down as sexual role model. Sexuality is the area where the most devastating myths about cripples endure. Some people have this idea that cripples are the only adult humans ever with no desire to get laid. Abstinence. I guess you could say I’ve gotten around. I’ve been married twice. But in order to counteract the cripple asexuality myth to the fullest of my potential as a role model, I should be a raging omnisexual hedonist, fucking everything that isn’t nailed down. I have failed in this regard, though it wasn’t from a lack of effort or desire. I just couldn’t keep up. I leave it to future generations of cripple role models to pick up where I have fallen short.


  1. Please drink a bunch of beers for me. My disability makes it impossible to drink - and I resent that.

    As an adult, I should be able to drink if I want to.

    I didn't know you couldn't drink in nursing homes. I shall try to stay out of them - just for their attitude.

  2. Irwin,
    I am not a cripple yet you are a role model to me!
    PS Parker in the sky is looking down on you and is all smiles.

  3. Totes my role model. Same as other comment, not a full cripple yet but after reading this I almost wish I was. Keep up the good work!