My Diagnosis (If You Really Wanna Know)

 Often people get around to asking me what makes me crippled.

I then say what I believe to be true. I don't take the opportunity to make up  some bull shit, like some cripples I’ve known. I heard someone ask that question of a friend of mine once and she replied, “I got hit by an  airplane.” I don't blame her for saying something like that. It’s hard to be set up so perfectly for a joke and not take a swing. But I always just say what I think my medical diagnosis is. And then I  say I don’t know what my official diagnosis is because I haven’t taken the time to find out for sure. And the reason that I haven’t taken the time to find out for sure is because I really don’t care much what my diagnosis is.

A lot of people seem like they’re surprised to hear me say that. Maybe that’s because a lot of people seem to think that a cripple’s primary quest in life is to find out as much as they can about their diagnosis and then do a lot of therapies and exercises and shit like that accordingly, as if we’re preparing for a boxing match.

But most of the cripples that I’ve ever met aren’t motivated in that way. Like most people, what motivates them is they're just trying to get laid. And all that exercise and therapy stuff gets in the way of achieving that goal, unless you think that a physical therapy gym is the kind of place where you should hang around if you’re looking to get laid. 

I feel much more solidarity with those cripples who are just trying to get laid, which is another reason why I don't care much about my diagnosis. Maybe I  fear that the more I dwell on it the  more likely I am to run into people who are determined to cure me. Sure enough, there is a group that is out to cure that which makes me crippled. I try my best to stay away from them because  I ‘m afraid that if I get within sniffing distance of them they’ll try to recruit me. Although it wouldn’t do them much good if they did because about the only suitable poster that they could put me on would have to say something like, ”Please cure me so it’ll be easier for me to get laid.”

 I don’t think that would inspire many people to open up their wallets.

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