Guarantees in Life

You never know what you are going to encounter when you embark upon a new day. The other day I pulled up next to a car as we waited for a red light to turn green. Up until that time, I was batting 1,000. I often said that every time I heard someone blasting their music real loud so that everyone could hear it whether they wanted to or not, the music was always bad. And I meant that literally. I couldn’t remember a single time when I yelled out (nor have I ever been tempted to yell out), “Hey, turn that Tchaikovsky shit down!” This made me feel as if I thus possessed valuable insight into the essence of humanity. But the person in that car next to me was blasting their music. The throbbing bassline made the car pulsate. And the music wasn’t bad! It sounded to me like some sort of Latin jazz thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t usually like Latin music. Often it’s too heavy on the accordion, which makes it sound like a polka with the word corazon sprinkled in. But when I actually started grooving to the Latin music that was coming from the car next to me, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. Because I knew that I would not be battling 1,000 anymore. Never again could I truthfully say that every time I heard someone blasting their music real loud so that everyone could hear it whether they wanted to or not, the music was always bad. And everyone likes more certainty, absolutes and guarantees in life. And here I was back to death and taxes. Now what? (Please support Smart Ass Cripple and help us keep going. Just click below to contribute.) https://www.paypal.me/smartasscripple?fbclid=IwAR2qrql-UFH19OepgeaCG4WmblyNylb27k2q8eYxXHH

Hell or Bust

When I first heard the song Stairway to Heaven, I thought it was a cool song. The lyrics didn’t make much sense to me, but it really rocked. But when I listen to that song today, I have a hard time getting past the title: Stairway to Heaven. Because that means that even heaven is off limits for cripples like me. Because if you have to be able to climb stairs to get in, I ain’t getting in, no matter how hard I try. And I don’t want to hear any of that bull shit about how there aren’t any wheelchairs in heaven. All of those who preside over the funerals of cripples ought to be grateful that those cripples can’t jump up and slap them down when they say stupid shit like, “Now that they are in heaven, they have shed their wheelchair and they are dancing!” I’m insulted when I hear shit like that because it assumes that the first wish that every cripple would make if they had a genie would of course be to not be crippled anymore. And besides, who says that you can’t dance if you’re in a wheelchair? If heaven was in the U.S.A. (as a lot of people wish it was), cripples could probably sue it if indeed you had to climb stairs to get in. Because surely it would qualify as a place of public accommodation under the Americans with Disabilities Act. (If heaven isn’t a place of public accommodation, then what is?) And so heaven would be legally obligated to accommodate cripples that want to get in by installing an elevator or something. Or maybe I should be grateful if there really is a stairway to heaven. Because if that’s the case, I can relax and not worry about always trying to do stuff that’ll get me in. I'll probably be a lot less stressed out if I can just embrace the fact that for cripples like me, it’s Hell or bust. (Please support Smart Ass Cripple and help us keep going. Just click below to contribute.) https://www.paypal.me/smartasscripple?fbclid=IwAR2qrql-UFH19OepgeaCG4WmblyNylb27k2q8eYxXHH

Excuses

I think that l’ve heard just about everything that there is to hear from people who park their vehicle in a space that’s supposed to be reserved for cripples. I must’ve perfected some sort of judgmental glare because people often seem compelled to try and justify their actions to me whether I say anything to them or not. It seems like they think that because I‘m obviously one of the genuine cripples that those spaces are intended to serve, I must therefore be able to grant them dispensation. And the most common thing they say is, "I'll only be a minute.” And I‘ve seen a few things, too. Once there was a tow truck parked in a cripple space at a strip mall. That really baffled me. I wondered who you call when you need a tow truck to be towed away. Maybe the person that was parked in the cripple space worked for the towing company that the strip mall hired to yank away the vehicles that were illegally parked in the cripple spaces. And if he saw me watching he probably would have said, "I'll only be a minute.” But the most memorable thing that I’ve ever heard or saw came when I exited a grocery store and I noticed that there was a pick-up truck parked in the cripple space next to me. I didn’t think it was a cripple vehicle because cripples don’t tend to drive pick-up trucks. They aren’t very accessible Consequently, I must’ve had that look on my face because a man walked up to the truck and opened the passenger door. He then reached into the glove box and took out a cripple parking permit. He displayed it by hanging it on the rearview mirror and he said to me, “I’m a black man in America. I was born with one of these things." (Please support Smart Ass Cripple and help us keep going. Just click below to contribute.) https://www.paypal.me/smartasscripple?fbclid=IwAR2qrql-UFH19OepgeaCG4WmblyNylb27k2q8eYxXHH