Friday, July 29, 2016

The Specials Olympics are Boring

The next round of the Special Olympics will be held in 2018 in Seattle. I bet you didn’t know that, did you? Well that’s okay. A lot of people didn’t know about it either. There wasn’t a lot of headline hoopla when Seattle was recently announced as the host city because compared to the regular ordinary unspecial Olympics, the Special Olympics are boring.

I know I’m not supposed to say that but I’m only reporting the sad facts. Let’s examine the things that make the Olympics interesting and newsworthy and compare it to the Special Olympics.

Let’s start with corruption. The Olympics are so fucking corrupt, which is fascinating. But you never hear about any of that with the Special Olympics. There isn’t the same cutthroat, backstabbing competition to land the Special Olympics, so you don’t hear stories about members of the Special Olympics selection committee being bribed with a tsunami of cash and cocaine and hookers. A story like that would surely generate a ton of big blaring headlines and a lot more people would pay attention to the Special Olympics.

And what about doping? You never hear anybody complain about doping in the Special Olympics. I’ve never heard anyone accuse the Russian government of secretly pumping their Special Olympians full of steroids. I bet Special Olympians aren’t even required to piss into a cup, are they?

The Special Olympics also can’t compete with the Olympics went it comes to creating social upheaval and unrest. I’d wager that not one slum has been bulldozed and its residents rendered homeless to make room for a posh village for Special Olympics athletes.

And then there’s insane jingoistic fervor. That’s what the plain old Olympics are all about. “Our shot putters can put a shot better than your shot putters can put it! USA! USA! USA! “ But do the Special Olympics whip up any insane jingoistic fervor at all? “Our cripples kicked your cripples asses! Our cripples are the best cripples in the WHOLE WORLD! Woo hoo!” I don’t think so. So how can anybody be expected to take the Special Olympics seriously as an international sporting event?

And I hate to say it but even compared to other sporting events besides the Olympics, the Special Olympics are still boring. Like soccer. To me, the most interesting thing about soccer is the way the crazy fans behave. I thought fans of American football were maniacs, but rival soccer fans will slit each other’s throats right there in the stands. But I don’t think there’s been a single fan riot fatality at the Special Olympics. Even baseball is more interesting than the Special Olympics. Ecstatic fans of the team that wins the World Series will run wild through the streets, flipping over cars and setting them on fire. Have you ever seen a news story about overjoyed Special Olympics fans doing anything like that?

No, the news stories you see about the Special Olympics are always about perseverance, teamwork and sportsmanship. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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