If I Had as Much Fucking Money as Jeff Bezos and Those Guys

 

When I’m riding around in my cripple van, lately I tend to think about guys like Jeff Bezos and how much fucking money they have.

Because my cripple van is about seven years old so it’s gonna soon be time for me to think about getting a new one. But that’ll cost me about $65,000 and I have no idea where I’m gonna get that kind of money.

But if I had as much fucking money as Jeff Bezos and those guys, I’d be able to pay cash for a new cripple van every day without batting and eye.  I could buy one every day as routinely as most people buy a cup of coffee every day.

And the same thing goes for wheelchairs. The wheelchair I’m sitting in costs about $25,000. And I ‘d better make sure it holds up for at least five years because if you need a third party such as Medicaid or private insurance to pay for a new chair, like most normal human beings do, they’ll only consider your claim every five years.

But if I had as much fucking money as Jeff Bezos and those guys, I could have an ever-growing fleet of wheelchairs. I could have more damn wheelchairs than I have shirts and I could contemplate which chair to use each day the same way I contemplate which shirt to wear. “Geez, it’s such a warm and sunny day. I think I’ll ride around, in my chartreuse wheelchair with the leopard-skin upholstery.

And whenever a cripple needs insurance or Medicaid or some third party to buy them a wheelchair or pay for repairs or something, we have to get a note from a doctor swearing on a stack of Bibles that a wheelchair that works is “medically necessary” for us.

But if I had as much fucking money as Jeff Bezos and those guys and I could pay cash for a new wheelchair, I could get any chair I wanted any time. And nothing would have to be “medically necessary.” I could insist that my new chair be equipped with fully-loaded confetti cannons and the wheelchair company would gladly sell it to me, no questions asked.

If I had as much fucking money as Jeff Bezos and those guys, I’d never need another damn doctor’s note.

How come Jeff Bezos and those guys have a zillion times more money than I do? They must work a zillion times harder than me. I work about eight hours a day. They must work eight zillion hours a day.

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