A Metaphor to Illustrate How “I’m Socially Liberal But Fiscally Conservative" Is a Fucked Up Way to Be

I don’t have any kids as far as I know. But if I did, I’m confident that I would have instilled in them an ethical framework that says one should never stick the head of a fellow human into a toilet and give them a swirly, no matter how deserving that person may seem. However, I’d be very tempted to tell them it’s all right to make an exception for anyone who says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative.”

Please allow me to put forth a taxi cab as a metaphor to illustrate how fucked up that “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative” attitude is. Suppose I want to go somewhere in a cab. The socially liberal region of these people’s brains would wholeheartedly agree that I should have as much right to do that as my neighbors who are verts (which is what I call people who walk because it’s short for vertical). They would firmly subscribe to the premise that no cab driver should deny me service just because I use a wheelchair. That would be discrimination, which is abhorrent in all its forms!

But obviously, even if a cabbie opened the passenger door and welcomed me in with a red carpet, it wouldn’t be any good because in order to get around, I need a vehicle that’s wheelchair accessible. So if there aren’t any cabs like those on the street, I ain’t going nowhere! But those cost a lot more than a regular sedan. Giving me equal opportunity doesn’t always mean treating me like I’m a vert because I’m not a vert. Sometimes you have to do things differently and that often costs money.

So the fiscally conservative region of their brain would balk. Equality is all well and good, as long as it doesn’t cost them anything. And I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that how it works with these people is that whenever the fiscally conservative region of their brain conflicts with the socially liberal region, the fiscally conservative region always wins out. When someone says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative,” it’s like they’re giving you a warning.

After churning all this about, their conflicted brains would probably declare that as long as I’m given the same opportunity to ride the same cabs the vets ride, I’m being treated as equally as I can reasonably expect to be treated. So what if I still ain’t going nowhere.

I suppose giving a swirly to everyone who says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative” would be considered assault. But it can also be considered self-defense. Because imagine how much carnage can occur if that attitude catches on too much. We can’t just stand idly by and let that happen. Somebody has to do something! Maybe giving those people swirlies will somehow knock some sense into them. One can only hope.



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Rosie

Some turtles live 100 years or more. There was a giant Galapagos land tortoise that lived to be 175. What the hell is that all about?

Hey, I’ve got nothing turtles. I’ve never been emotionally attached to one but they seem pretty cool to me. I like how they are mostly defensive creatures. If they see danger coming they duck inside their shells and stay there until the coast is clear. That’s probably one of the reasons why they live so long. They don’t go around looking for trouble.

In no way do I begrudge any turtles their longevity. More power to them. But why not dogs, too? How come dogs only get to live about 15 years or so? That’s so unfair it’s sadistic. Whomever made up that stupid ass rule really fucked up big time.

Imagine if dogs lived 100 years like turtles. You could be 80 years old and the puppy you got as a kid could still be by your side. How cool would that be? Imagine how much less heartache there would be in the world if we didn’t have to say goodbye to our pet dogs. Then there really would be such a thing as unconditional love. If you could have your dog around for your whole life, imagine how much more calm and mellow and at peace everybody would feel. There probably wouldn’t be any fucking wars!

So whatever divine power decided to only give dogs 15 years sure blew a golden fucking opportunity. I don’t understand what the hell he/she/it was thinking.

That’s all I have to say this week. Thanks.

Rosie had a curly mascara line around her eyes. She was the color of pancakes.


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Cripples Can't Win. Or Maybe it's Just Me

Maybe it’s just me. I don’t know about other cripples. But I find it really hard to enjoy winning, which really sucks because that takes a lot of the fun out of life.

I mean, take for example Ali Stroker, that woman in a wheelchair who won a Tony award last summer for Best Featured Actress in a Musical. She starred in Oklahoma. I’m sure she kicked ass and really deserved the award. I hope she enjoyed it. But if that was me, I’d have a hard time enjoying it because I’d be worried that the only reason they gave it to me was because I’m crippled. That’s what sucks. Cripples don’t win a lot of stuff in life and you know the only reason why you don’t is because you’re crippled. Nobody in a wheelchair ever won a Tony award before not because cripples aren't good enough to win Tony awards but because for a long time nobody ever cast cripples in the kind of roles that might win Tony awards. The reason that changed is because some people bitched that cripples aren’t ever cast in the kind of roles that might win Tony awards. So if I was the first cripple to win a Tony Award, I’ d be worried that the only reason they gave it to me was to shut up those people who were bitching. I bet that’s what the uncrippled performers who got beat out by Ali Stroker thought, though none of them would ever say it out loud.

I guess what I need to do to get over this stupid inadequacy complex is take up with the Paralympic cripples. If you win a Paralympics medal you can’t wonder if the only reason you won it is because you’re crippled because everybody’s crippled. But then I’d probably tell myself maybe it doesn’t really count because it’s just a cripple medal, not a real medal.

I guess what I’d need to do to get over that stupid inadequacy complex is remind myself that the only reason the regular Olympics are considered superior to the Paralympics is because most people are uncrippled and uncrippled people created the regular Olympics in their own image. It's probably true that if a cripple tried to compete in the regular Olympics they’d never win. But the same thing is true if an uncrippled athlete tried to compete in the Paralympics. Put a gold medal sprinter in a racing wheelchair and see how far they get. They’ll be left in dust. So who’s so fucking superior, huh?

But maybe it’s just me. I don’t know about other cripples.






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Equal Time for Idiots

There’s too much bitter divisiveness in America these days. I think it’s very important for all of us to consider the perspectives of those with views different from our own, even if they’re idiots.

Thus, so as to practice what I preach, I’m beginning a new feature where I occasionally bring in a guest blogger to express opinions that are profoundly different from mine. This is my attempt to build bridges and promote healing. I call it Equal Time for Idiots.

So please give warm a Smart Ass Cripple welcome to Aaron P. Smugly, executive director of the American Libertarian Freedom Association (ALFA), our first guest idiot. Take it away Aaron.

Thank you so much, Smart Ass Cripple, for this opportunity. ALFA is an organization that promotes and defends the bedrock American values of personal freedom and responsibility. Our members don’t just believe in those values, we embody them. We begin each day with an affirmation. We look proudly in the mirror and repeat five times, “I am ALFA!”

Let us consider the hypothetical and metaphorical scenario of an individual I will refer to as Mr. X. Mr. X had the misfortune of being born with two fully-functioning heads. First of all, let me say that I know that I speak for all ALFA members when I say that my heart goes out to Mr. X and all those born with defects and deficits. Because of his defects, Mr. X will have additional challenges to overcome in life. For example, he will have to pay twice as much for necessities such as haircuts and dental floss. In order to address this misfortune, many liberals would advocate a confiscational approach i.e the creation of a new bureaucracy to levy additional taxes and redistribute wealth to the Mr. Xs of the world in the form of vouchers for free haircuts and dental floss. Those of us who cherish liberty above all must not be so intimidated by the tyranny of political correctness that we cannot affirm that whereas we sympathize with the misfortune of Mr. X, we did not inflict it upon him. Therefore, we should not be penalized for it. This is the province of charity. Americans have shown time and time again that they will volunatarily rise up to help the less fortunate if they are called upon to do so with the proper deference. I’m sure that if an upstanding foundation such as United Way was to launch a dental floss drive for Mr. X, millions of Americans would gladly purchase dental floss and donate it to the cause. If there was a 5k run to raise money for a haircut fund for Mr. X, generous Americans would turn out in droves.

Appealing to the “better angels of our nature” is the prudent course for those with defects and deficits to overcome their lot. The vast majority of the citizens of this great republic are extraordinarily kind and generous, as long as no one is forcing them to be that way.


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Self-made Cripples

There just aren't enough self-made cripples around. Those are the cripples that don’t wallow in their victimhood. They take charge of their lives and they do it the American way. When life gives them lemons, they make lemonade! They don’t sit around and wait for the government to make lemonade for them and then give it to them for free!

The most shining example of a self-made cripple is Greg Abbott, the current republican governor of Texas. No state embodies the self-made, no-nonsense, rugged individualist spirit more than Texas. Abbott became crippled when he was jogging through a park on a summer day in 1984 and an oak tree fell on him. That left him paralyzed from the waist down and he’s been riding around in a wheelchair ever since.

But that didn’t stop him from becoming a millionaire! No way! And he acquired his millions the American way! He sued!

Abbott sued the homeowner of the property where the tree fell and a company that previously inspected the tree. The settlement guarantees him a six-figure annual salary for the rest of his life. He also gets an additional lump sum payment every three years. All told, the settlement can pay Abbott around $9 million tax-free, depending on how long he lives.

So whereas many other cripples expect “society” to pay for all the extra expenses that come with being crippled, Abbott does it himself, dammit!

But the funny thing is, if you want to become a self-made cripple in Texas nowadays, it won’t be nearly as easy. In 2003, the Texas state legislature capped the noneconomic damages a plaintiff can collect in medical malpractice cases at $250,000. Abbott has always said he thinks that’s a fine idea.

However, there is another litigious path to becoming a self-made cripple. You could sue someone for violating your rights. But it’s not nearly as lucrative.

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission sued Walmart on behalf of a woman in Maine who became too disabled to continue working as a sales associate . She wanted to transfer to another in-store job she could do but corporate policy prohibited it. So the woman became unemployed.

Walmart settled the lawsuit by agreeing to scrap the policy and to pay the woman $80,000. That’s all well and good, but I think it’s pretty unfair if you ask me. That’s only enough money for her to be a self-made cripple for a year or so. Then it’s back to square one for her.

How come Greg Abbott gets to be a self-made cripple for the rest of his life just because a tree fell on his head? It seems to me that working at Walmart is a much more painful thing to endure.



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Cripples with no Crippled Friends

I’m always at least a little suspicious of cripples who have absolutely no crippled friends. Maybe it’s not fair, but that’s how I am.

I get suspicious in the same way I do when I see things on television where there’s a live audience, like late night comedy shows or sporting events. I never ever ever see a cripple in the audience. Even when the camera pans the cheering crowd, there’s never the slightest hint of a cripple.

I imagine daytime talk shows and game shows are pretty much the same. I don’t know. I can’t bring myself to watch them—not even for research purposes. But it’s hard for me to believe that of all the people who show up daily to be in the audiences of these shows, there is rarely if ever a cripple among them.

There has to be a conspiracy at play. It must be someone’s job to be on the lookout for any cripples that happen along and then actively turn away or otherwise dissuade them, perhaps for aesthetic reasons. But that wouldn’t work for some massive event like a football game. You can’t turn that many cripples away. You can bet there are mucho cripples in the crowd of every sporting event you see on TV. So how come you never see any featured in the hundreds of seemingly-random crowd shots on camera or the Jumbotron? The only exception I ever saw was when this guy scored a touchdown and he ran over and gave the ball to a cripple in the stands. But that doesn’t count because that player tricked the camera operator into showing a cripple.

So I’m suspicious that there's another conspiracy going on because this can’t be a coincidence. It seems like whoever is calling the camera shots has to be consciously avoiding showing anybody who’s obviously crippled. If you can’t beat ‘em, ignore ‘em.

That’s how it is with cripples who have no crippled friends. If a cripple wants to find other cripples to hang around with, it’s pretty easy to do. So I figure they must be making a conscious effort to avoid associating with other cripples, perhaps for aesthetic reasons.

And that makes me suspicious.



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The Ignored Man

I hear a lot of cripples, especially those who just became crippled, lament how when they go out in public, they often feel “invisible.”

In all my decades of crippledom, I can’t say that I’ve ever felt that way. Cripples are really the opposite of invisible. We stick out. If there are 50 people going down the street and one of them is a cripple, who’re you gonna notice?

But I know exactly what these cripples who say they feel invisible are talking about. They’re talking about those situations like when you’re out and about with a vert (which is short for vertical, which is slang for people who can walk.) And some other vert starts talking to your vert instead of addressing you, as if you’re not even there. Like maybe you’re getting ready to board a plane and the vert that’s checking people in says to your vert, “Do you have the boarding passes?”

That kind of shit happens to me all the time but when it does I don’t feel invisible because I know goddam well that I’m visible as hell. It’s not that the vert doesn’t see me. It’s that they’re trying to pretend that they don’t see me. I don’t feel like I’m invisible. I feel like I’m being ignored. I’m not the invisible man. I’m the ignored man.

It’s the same insult by a different name. And I also don’t feel insulted when people stare at me. Hell, I don’t even notice if people are staring at me or not. Maybe nobody does anymore. I don’t know. But I do notice when people are trying real hard not to stare at me. Because once again they’re trying to pretend I’m not there. They pretend like they’re looking at something really fascinating, like their phone or their feet or their fingernails.

When verts try to pretend I’m not there, I ought to run over their feet. That should get their attention.




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