Here’s my legislative agenda:
Item 1: Outlaw sports where the only point is to do
something stupid and dangerous and survive.
The best example is motorcycle jumping. If you jump over 50
cars on a motorcycle, what have you proved? You proved you’re dumb enough to
jump over 50 cars on a motorcycle. Maybe the audience appeal of such stunts is
that this is a clearly-defined world, where the line separating winners and
losers is sharp and distinct. Nothing is open to interpretation. The winners are those who jump over 50 cars and
walk away. The losers are those who jump over 50 cars and wind up either a)
dead or b) crippled.
And so some other stupid and dangerous sports would have to
be outlawed, too, like luge. And cliff
diving and surfing and car racing and boxing, to name a few. Golf almost
qualifies as a stupid and dangerous sport, except it’s not dangerous. And don’t tell me that there’s more to these
sports than just surviving, since you have to also beat the competition. Big
deal. All that means is that you did
something stupid and dangerous faster or more artistically than everybody else.
People with
vulnerable minds watch stupid and dangerous sports and they say to themselves,
“Wow! That was real stupid and dangerous. How coooool! I need to do something
even more stupid and dangerous!”
And that’s how more cripples are created. I’ve got nothing
against all the self-made cripples coming through the pipeline. But when these
daredevil/thrill-seeker types become crippled, they tend to be the most
annoying cripples of all, especially the ones who can’t let it go. They’re obsessed
with getting back on the horse. A guy wipes out trying to jump over 50 cars and
is crippled to the point where can only drive his motorized wheelchair with his
tongue. So he spends every waking crippled hour designing a specially adapted
car-jumping motorcycle that he can drive with his tongue. He dreams of the day
when he makes his triumphant return and shows the world how he refuses to let
being crippled stop him from still doing stupid and dangerous stuff.
