Wow! More groundbreaking cripple research has come out of the renown Department
of Cripple Research at John Hopkin’s University. You may recall, as previously
reported exclusively here in Smart Ass Cripple, these same researchers studied
the DNA of millions of cripples and proved scientifically that the reason
people are crippled is because God is punishing them for something evil they
did in a previous life. (See Evil
Bastards All, August 19, 2011).
Well for their latest project, these researchers crippled up a bunch of
bees by giving them spinal cord injuries. (Bees have spinal cords? Who knew?)
And then these crippled bees were put back into their colonies. And the
scientists learned from observing the bees that bee society treated the
crippled bees in the same way that human society treats their cripples. (Pay
attention. You won’t hear about this in the corporate media.)
The crippled bees were outcasts. They couldn’t get jobs and they couldn’t
get laid. And that made the crippled bees very depressed. Because bees, like humans, have two main
functions: they work and they screw. But the crippled bees were considered by
the other bees to be incapable of performing either function.
The bee caste system isn’t so bad if you’re born a drone because your
job is to screw the queen and die. But it’s really fucked up if you’re born a
worker bee because all you do is bust your ass all day.
Well the queens didn’t want to screw the crippled drones. They just
couldn’t bring themselves to do it. The queens said they loved the crippled drones,
but not in a sexual way. They loved them more like a brother. And the worker
bees shunned the crippled worker bees altogether. They said they had a lot of
work to do and they didn’t have time to stop and wait for the crippled worker
bees to catch up.
Soon, as you would suspect, the presence of cripples drove the orderly,
organized colony into a state of unrest. The worker bees became resentful because
they had too much work to do in the first place and now they had to take care
of a bunch of cripples on top of it. And the crippled drones were growing more
and more ornery because they weren’t getting laid, which meant they had no
purpose in life. Who among us can’t relate to that?
But here’s the most amazing thing the researchers observed: The uncrippled
bees were so confused about what to make of these crippled bees and where their
rightful place in bee society should be, that in an act of sheer desperation they
did something truly unbelievable. They organized a telethon! Some uncrippled
bees convinced the others that if everybody hustled up enough money all the
crippled bees would be cured and then there wouldn’t be any cripples anymore and everything would be neat and
orderly like God intended.
Of course, the telethon idea didn’t work. It raised a ton of money but
all the crippled bees are still crippled. And the rest of the bees still don’t
know what to do with them. For now, all the uncrippled bees are just going
about their business, secretly hoping that if they ignore they crippled bees
long enough, they’ll all just quietly go away.
