When Nick was in high school, his girlfriend broke up with him and
that made him sad. So another friend, who was a girl but not his girlfriend, gave him a new pet to help cheer him up. She brought a terrarium over to
Nick’s house and in it was a cockroach about as big as the palm of Nick’s hand.
It was a Madagascar hissing cockroach.
Nick’s mom was cool with having a pet cockroach in the house but his
dad was quite stressed about it. Nick’s dad had a cockroach phobia due to an
incident that occurred way back when he worked at a food store. Nick’s dad was
carrying a bag of grain that was full of cockroaches, which was unbeknownst to
him until the bag accidentally burst open and the escaping cockroaches crawled
all over him.
So Nick kept the cockroach but he named it Ralph because his dad often
said if he ever had a pet dog he would name it Ralph. Nick figured if he named
his cockroach Ralph, it might cause his dad to view it in a more positive light.
Nick dutifully fed Ralph dog food, as the girl who was his friend but
not his girlfriend had instructed him to do. Ralph didn’t hiss much at first,
which disappointed Nick. But after becoming more comfortable with his
surroundings, Ralph hissed at night and this created a soothing bond with him
for Nick and helped take Nick’s mind off of the break up.
Nevertheless, Nick’s dad lived in fear that Ralph would one day escape
from the terrarium and, sure enough, it happened. But Nick sprang into action
and eventually found Ralph lounging atop a David Bowie album. Nick returned
Ralph to his terrarium and issued the all clear.
For the next year and a half or so, Nick and Ralph lived happily ever
after. Nick even got a new girlfriend, who also bonded with Ralph. But then
Nick was accepted into college in Chicago and the dorm had a strict
no-cockroach policy. That’s good. The world would be a better place if more
dorms had strict no-cockroach policies.
So Nick turned over custody of Ralph to the new girlfriend. But Nick
was worried because the new girlfriend was moving to Toronto. She vowed to take
Ralph with her and continue to care for him. But what if the Canadian
authorities denied entry of a foreign cockroach into their country? Would the
new girlfriend have no choice but to free Ralph into the wild to fend for himself, where
he wouldn’t stand a chance?
But soon Nick received pictures from the new girlfriend confirming
that she and Ralph arrived safely in Toronto. Nick had no idea how the new
girlfriend got Ralph past Canadian border security. Perhaps she smuggled him
in. But Nick didn’t ask. He was just relieved that they made it.
As Nick and the new girlfriend faded away, so did her updates on Ralph.
Nick assumes that Ralph is now dead, since average lifespan of a Madagascar
hissing cockroach (in the wild) is three to five years, according to
cockroachfacts.com. But Nick will always have a fondness in his heart for Ralph
the cockroach for helping him through a trying time.
