Purging the mailbag.
Dear Smart Ass Cripple,
I sure wish Superman was for real, don’t you?
Sincerely,
A Big Christopher Reeve Fan
Dear Big CRF,
No, I’m very glad that Superman is merely fictitious because
there are no phone booths anymore so Clark Kent would probably change into his
Superman costume in the cripple stalls of public bathrooms because they’re so
roomy. And there are already way too many cases of cripple stalls of public
bathrooms being clogged up by verts (which is what I call people who walk, because
it’s short for vertical).
I bet Clark Kent would’ve used cripple stalls in public
bathrooms to change into Superman from jump except there was no such thing as a
public cripple bathroom stall until about 50 years or so ago because there was
no such thing as a cripple out in public until about 50 years or so ago.
So I’m glad Superman isn’t for real. It would mean one more
pain in the ass for cripples to have to deal with.
Dear Smart Ass Cripple,
I suffer from low self-esteem. What should I do?
Yours truly,
Dorothy the Meek
Dear Dorothy the Meek,
Suffering from low self- esteem is stupid! What the hell’s
the matter with you? If you pay attention to the people who put you down, you’re
an idiot! Stop it right now!
Dear Esteemed Mr. Smart Ass,
I am a little crippled boy. Would you be so kind as to pray
for me?
With Warm Regards,
Timmy
Dear Timmy,
I’m so glad you asked me to pray for you. When I was little
crippled boy about your age, I recited a prayer that helped me live as cripple
in a world of verts (see above). As I recall, it went something like this:
“Oh Heavenly Father. Please deliver me from the vortex of
shame. When others seek to diminish me because I am crippled, please bestow
upon me the wisdom to recognize them as a bunch of dunderheads.
“And in addition, Oh Father, please grant me the strength to
endureth byzantine bureaucracies, both public and private. In the future, when I
am no longer an adorable criplet and I needeth something like a wheelchair or
Social Security, please bless me with the tenacity to not take no for an
answer. Please endow me with the ability to file appeal after appeal after
appeal after appeal until the forces of recalcitrance finally relinquish that
which I need to merely survive. And give me the fortitude to sue them if need be”
There are other stanzas from there that I don’t remember. It’s
sort of like the Star Spangled Banner. But you get the idea.
