A Metaphor to Illustrate How “I’m Socially Liberal But Fiscally Conservative" Is a Fucked Up Way to Be

I don’t have any kids as far as I know. But if I did, I’m confident that I would have instilled in them an ethical framework that says one should never stick the head of a fellow human into a toilet and give them a swirly, no matter how deserving that person may seem. However, I’d be very tempted to tell them it’s all right to make an exception for anyone who says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative.”

Please allow me to put forth a taxi cab as a metaphor to illustrate how fucked up that “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative” attitude is. Suppose I want to go somewhere in a cab. The socially liberal region of these people’s brains would wholeheartedly agree that I should have as much right to do that as my neighbors who are verts (which is what I call people who walk because it’s short for vertical). They would firmly subscribe to the premise that no cab driver should deny me service just because I use a wheelchair. That would be discrimination, which is abhorrent in all its forms!

But obviously, even if a cabbie opened the passenger door and welcomed me in with a red carpet, it wouldn’t be any good because in order to get around, I need a vehicle that’s wheelchair accessible. So if there aren’t any cabs like those on the street, I ain’t going nowhere! But those cost a lot more than a regular sedan. Giving me equal opportunity doesn’t always mean treating me like I’m a vert because I’m not a vert. Sometimes you have to do things differently and that often costs money.

So the fiscally conservative region of their brain would balk. Equality is all well and good, as long as it doesn’t cost them anything. And I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that how it works with these people is that whenever the fiscally conservative region of their brain conflicts with the socially liberal region, the fiscally conservative region always wins out. When someone says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative,” it’s like they’re giving you a warning.

After churning all this about, their conflicted brains would probably declare that as long as I’m given the same opportunity to ride the same cabs the vets ride, I’m being treated as equally as I can reasonably expect to be treated. So what if I still ain’t going nowhere.

I suppose giving a swirly to everyone who says, “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative” would be considered assault. But it can also be considered self-defense. Because imagine how much carnage can occur if that attitude catches on too much. We can’t just stand idly by and let that happen. Somebody has to do something! Maybe giving those people swirlies will somehow knock some sense into them. One can only hope.



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