I, Smart Ass Cripple, do hereby solemnly swear
that I will never be the type of cripple who makes uncrippled people dive into a freezing
cold body of water in the dead of winter just to raise money for them.
It seems like every week in
winter I see a local news report about a group of uncrippled people who,
presumably, are otherwise sane and rational, going to the beach on a frigid
day, stripping down to their bathing suits and jumping in the lake. To get
people to do stuff like this you’d better have a damn good reason. And what
better reason is there than raising money for cripples?
In Chicago, they jump in the
lake in winter to raise money for the Special Olympics. There’s something
sadistic and tyrannical about that, making people freeze their asses off for you.
It sounds like something a spoiled little 10-year-old king would do to the
peasants for laughs.
I know nobody is holding
a gun to anybody’s head and making them
jump into a frigid lake. But if those people were raising money for me, I’d be
horrified. I’d feel obliged to go down to the beach with a bullhorn and shout,
“What the hell are you people doing? Are you nuts? Go home and get warm!” If I was in the Special Olympics, I'd mess up their whole gig.
No offense, but I would
never jump in a freezing lake for you. There would have to be a helluva lot at stake for me
to make me do that. Someone would have to be holding my family
hostage and threatening to kill them, or something like that.
So if anybody out there ever
feels so sorry for or inspired by me that you’re ready to raise money for me by
taking a flying leap into a freezing lake, please don’t. You can just write me
a check instead.
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