I have a crew of people I hire to come to my home and help me get dressed, get out of bed, take a crap and do stuff like that. I call them my pit crew.
Anyway, here’s a
story one of them told me recently. (I’m giving him an alias to protect his
identity. I’m calling him Alexander the Great.
He said he didn’t care if I protected his identity, but I’m giving him
an alias anyway because I think it makes the story funnier if I do.)
Alexander the Great
just turned age 21 last March. Before that he faced a common but daunting
challenge of finding a liquor store that wouldn’t card him. He heard tell of a
liquor store in another neighborhood that was lax on carding because it was
near a college campus. It was owned by Assyrian guys. He went there with some underage friends and
nobody got carded. So he figured it was safe when he went back alone
and picked up a six pack of Pabst. But
the guy behind the counter asked him for ID. Alexander the Great had to think
fast. Since he speaks German, he put on a German accent and said he was visiting
from Germany. “I do not like to carry my passport and I do not yet have
American identification,” he said. As soon as he said it, Alexander the Great
wished he could do it over. He was convinced that his accent was way too
over-the-top generic, like Hogan’s Heroes.
The guy behind the counter had a Middle Easternish accent.
“What part of Germany are you from?” he asked.
Alexander the Great made something up again. But apparently
that was good enough for the guy behind the counter because he welcomed
Alexander the Great to the U.S. and rang him up. The guy said his name was
Faheed.
When Alexander the Great returned to the store a week or so
later to get more beer, Faheed was excited to see him. There was another guy
behind the counter with him. Faheed introduced the other guy to Alexander the Great as Maurice, the owner. “Maurice used to live in Germany!” Faheed said.
Oh shit, Alexander the Great thought to himself. Now my fake
accent will for sure get me busted!
“Wie gehts! “ said a smiling Maurice to Alexander the Great.
“Wie gehts!” replied Alexander the Great. Maurice spoke some
more German and Alexander the Great spoke German back but he was convinced that
soon Maurice would realize that he wasn’t as fluent as a German citizen should
be and he would be busted. But then Maurice apologized in English and said his
German was rusty since he hadn’t lived there in 17 years. Alexander the Great
said he’d happily converse in English from now on. He could use the practice.
Every time Alexander the Great came back to the store for
more liquor, Maurice followed him around and engaged him in conversation, meaning
Alexander the Great had to listen to him complain about everything. Americans
are terrible drivers. The mayor is useless. But the thing he complained about
with the most frequency and vigor was Muslims. They’re all evil, without
exception. They’re ruining so many countries with their immigration.
Alexander the Great didn’t know how to respond to that one
without getting on Maurice’s bad side. So he said, “Yes well it’s true immigration
is a problem in Germany.”
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