Thank God I'm not Autistic

I’ll tell you which cripples I really feel sorry for. I feel really really sorry for autistic people. If I was one of them, I don’t think I could bear it. I’d probably stay home all day and hide in the closet. And because I feel really really sorry for autistic people, that means I also really really admire them equally as much. When I see them out there trying to make their way in the world in spite of the tremendous obstacles they face, I’m humbled by their courage.

Because whereas all cripples have to deal with a lot of shit, it seems like autistic people have to deal with a wider variety of shit than the rest of us. Like for instance, I bet they’re all sick to death of having to straighten out people who confuse autistic and artistic. “So you’re artistic, huh? Well, not me. I can’t draw a straight line.” I bet autistic people started referring to themselves as being on the autism spectrum because they all got sick to death straightening out people who confuse autistic and artistic.

Amputees and paraplegics don’t have to deal with shit like that because amputee and paraplegic don’t sound like anything else. And I bet the amount of shit autistic people have to deal with increased exponentially after that movie Rain Man came out. When I see that movie, I thank God I’m not autistic. Because if I was autistic I’d be constantly afraid of being a victim of mistaken identity. I’d be worried somebody would see me on the street and say to his buddy, “Look, it’s a Rain Man.” And then his buddy would say, “Hey Rain Man, what’s 4327 times 986032?” And my response would probably be, “4327 times 986032 equals fuck off.” Those two guys would then go around for the rest of their lives thinking every Rain Man is an asshole, which I guess wouldn’t be a totally bad thing.

But the worst shit autistic people have to deal with must be listening to people who swear up and down that vaccines cause autism. First, it’s b.s. But second, what these people are essentially saying is they don’t what to vaccinate their kids because they’d rather risk their kids dying of measles or whatever than living with autism. What the hell is that all about?

I don’t have that problem because so far no one has asserted that you can contract that which makes me crippled via vaccines. Thank God for that. At least I can cross that off of my shit-I-have-to-deal-with list.



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