A Burden to Society

Every time I take a leak, it costs the state of Illinois 38 cents. The state pays $11.50 per hour to the people I hire to help me take a leak. That’s about 19 cents a minute. I guesstimate that on average, each leak takes about two minutes, from unzip to zip. If I leak four times daily, on average, that’s $1.52. Extrapolate that out over a year and that’s $554!

Each time I sit on the crapper, that’s about 20 minutes. So that carries a price tag of $3.80 a day or $1387 a year. That’s $1941 of taxpayer money eaten up by one man’s bodily functions!

And that doesn’t even count all the other stuff my workers do for me, such as putting on my pants ($208 a year), brushing my teeth, ($244) and making my armpits smell like a cool sea breeze ($226).

There’s no doubt about it. The numbers don’t lie. I am a burden to society.

And just look at the fallout. People like me are stretching state budgets to the limit. Thus, foreclosures are at an all-time high. Hardworking Americans are losing their jobs. Small businesses are collapsing.

This can’t continue. Times are tough. We all have to sacrifice. The golden days of cripples wearing pants seven days a week are over.

I could argue that I am a taxpayer too. But who am I kidding? I paid about $800 in state income tax last year. That only covers the cost of all the leaks I took plus 65 days of sitting on the crapper. That means 300 of my shits are being paid for by someone else.

It’s clear I’ve got to give something up. I’m trying to figure out what. I could take a leak just thrice daily and sit on the crapper once every 36 hours instead of every 24. But this only saves the state $337 a year. And curtailing my time spent eliminating bodily waste would have a severe negative impact on my quality of life. I’d have to give up two of the things that make life most worth living: beer and Mexican food.

So let’s see, if I also reduce my daily crapper time to 15 minutes (I’ll put an egg timer in the bathroom), that saves an additional $347. If I stop wearing socks, there’s another $139. But the state legislature will demand a whole lot more than that. I could, I suppose, challenge their methodology. I could reasonably argue that since my taxes fund all my leaks plus nine weeks of sitting on the crapper, those costs should not be considered when calculating the weight of my burden

As a further concession, to demonstrate good faith, I could have my pits washed on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and deodorize on Tuesdays and Thursdays to tide me over. That adds up to an annual savings of---.

I’m sorry but I can’t continue writing this. My calculator just overheated and exploded.