Friday, October 28, 2011

The Proud and the Domitable

The most annoying cripples of all are those that have an “indomitable spirit.” Jesus are those people irritating.

You know who they are. They’re the ones who enter marathons. I question whether those people can even be considered cripples. Have you seen them? They’ve got arms and torsos like lumberjacks, and those are the women. And their wheelchairs can only be called wheelchairs in the sense that they are chairs with wheels on them. But they’re more like drag racing cars than wheelchairs. The frame is triangular and it takes a parachute shooting out of the back of the chair to bring it to a stop.

The “indomitable” cripples are the ones who climb mountains too. When I see a mountain climbing cripple I want to gather up a posse of plain old rank and file cripples, jump the guy from behind, drag him into the bathroom, stick his head in the toilet and give him a swirly!

When a cripple climbs a mountain or runs in a marathon it isn’t a victimless crime. It makes life harder for the rest of us cripples. Because when they go around being so brazenly indomitable, everybody expects the rest of us cripples to be indomitable too. And that’s fucking exhausting. If you think being indomitable all day is so easy, you try it. You’ll be worn out by noon. These racing/climbing cripples are a threat to my precious, inalienable right to be domitable. There’s nothing I enjoy more than kicking back with a six pack and being domitable.

And these indomitable cripples also threaten my right to be a fuck up. They go out there and bust their asses training because they think they have to prove their excellence because if they don’t excel beyond excelling they’ll ruin it for the rest of the cripples. But they’d serve us better in the long run if they fucked up and did it with pride. It’s just like Jackie Robinson. There was no way he could fuck up playing baseball because if he did there was no way anybody who wasn’t white would be allowed to play major league baseball ever again. But if they banned white people from playing just because the first one to come along wasn’t a superstar, there would never have been any major league baseball in the first place. White ballplayers are allowed to fuck up all the time. Just watch the Cubs and you’ll see. Had Jackie fucked up, history may well have eventually regarded him as even more of a pioneer, a proud symbol of the right of all people of all races and creeds to attempt to do something they might fuck up. Now that’s equal rights.

So a fuck up like me can be a role model too. I can inspire other cripples to just relax and go assert their right to not succeed. But if those brown-nosing indomitable cripples have their way, soon the government will require the rest of us cripples to climb a mountain or run in a marathon every month to earn our Social Security checks. Most cripples are like me when it comes to marathons anyway. If there’s such a thing as a sitting marathon, I would excel at that. The referee fires the starting pistol and everybody sits and the medal goes to the last man sitting. I’d kick ass in a marathon like that because I’ve been training for it since I was a kid. I’ve built myself up to the point where I can outsit anyone! No one can sit on their ass for more consecutive hours than me. Walkies think that’s easy too, sitting on your ass all day. But I’ve heard how walkies whine and whine about sitting too long. After a pissy little two hour plane ride they moan “Oh I’m so sore from sitting so long. I’m so stiiiiiiiiiif.” It makes me laugh. What a bunch of creampuffs! Maybe someday I’ll get a chance to prove no one can outsit Smart Ass Cripple! And I can do it without steroids! My butt cheeks are like the calloused hands of a pipefitter. It comes from years and years of sitting around being domitable.

18 comments:

  1. Love this blog!

    To hell with the bootstraps brigade, to hell with the adversity overcomers, to hell with the indomitable they give everyone a bad name.

    If you decided to create a domitable troupe I would join in a heartbeat!

    Where some seek domitableness others have it thrust upon them!

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  2. I shall climb the refrigerator and claim a cold one and reward my ass...

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  3. You so friggin rock! This is exactly on point! I lived with those dang indomitables at U of I in the '70s. Now I have a friend who is there and one of 'em. She gets silver gold things at big competitions. I so LOL'd, the and navigimp made me p** my pants. You WIN! Gayle in Maryland

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  4. I am the mother of a cripplet, and have the same beef with indomitable parents of cripplets. They do things like run marathons and climb mountain with their cripplets strapped to their backs. I'm doing good if I can haul her in and out of her bed each morning, and really have no desire to do that other stuff anyway. But they make me look like a slacker.

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  5. This smacks of hypocrisy. This post will encourage walkies to insist that all cripples write brilliantly.

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  6. Great work smartass. One problem with handicapped "games" is that some are a little bit handicapped while others are a lot handicapped. How do you handicap the playing field? My disability saps my energy and my strength. So up your indomitable noses with rubber hoses. Again splendid work, smarty.

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  7. Oh, thank you! Totally vindicates my hatred of being called "an inspiration" just because I can get into a lift at the local pool, be lowered into the frikkin' water and swim around without looking like an effin' cripple. Jesus, this made my ass sitting day!

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  8. My disabilities are minor and I find 'appeals to spirit' annoying.
    Can only imagine how you feel about such.

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  9. I would like to start an amen chorus if I could? Because this is fan-freaking-tastic.

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  10. Dear Mike ( I DO NOT KNOW HIM)
    Dear F (I CAN’T call him the F word its my first letter to him.) Oh S!It try the
    Dear Smart Ass:
    Let me say. You timing of your post is very interesting. I have e. A cripple in remission since age 3.5. Hell I know when I am 80 or 90. I will be back to Crippledom. I also have a ton of medical dramas and traumas. So, I find your post to be spot on! I find that people want us to be super heroes. Oh your so brave you fight so hard. You’re an inspiration… Oh thanks but, can that pay my rent….. That is why I work a poor medical librarian yeah, I know a large pizza can feed a family of three but not a medical librarians salary.
    Yeah that’s why I am changing careers from being a librarian to a VR counselor. I will open my boutique VR services for indomitable” cripples who can’t do what they used to. OR for those who are too smart for VR services Call it my master plan to work less and make more $$$ . Oh F&#K I let the cat out of the bag…… I guess I will go back to working for peanuts from anyone will hire me.
    Yeah the disabilities civil rights moment showed the world that we are human and can F@C& up like everyone else. We are held to a hire standard and not allowed to as you say F@C& up.
    Again, keep blogging and allow all of us F@C& up now and then as the say to err is human to forgive is divine.
    PWD

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  11. It's all about options. I want my choice to be domitable with a cane to be as valued a choice to be indomitable with a cane.

    Start a religion, Mike - look how many followers you've already got!

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  12. Another obvious success!!!
    xoxoxo

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  13. Hi there , thank you for the amazing post about trannies , i will come back for more!

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  14. What's even worse are kids with Cancer! They give us regular cripples a bad name! AND they get all the funding!

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  15. HAHAHA! Made my day :)

    I am a 'regular' cripple and I know how it feels to be in the shadow of an 'indomitable cripple'. However, Im actually skeptical that she's even a cripple at all! Ex:
    Typical day of the Indomitable Cripple:
    -shower
    -cook breakfast
    -gym time
    -go to work
    -plan next ski trip
    -evening tae kwan do lessons
    -receive praise from misty-eyed folks about her perserverence to overcome her disabilty and lead a normal life

    Typical day of the Regular Cripple:
    -Oh God, even the water hurts today. Maybe I'll just wear a hat
    -F*uck yeah! A Nutri-Grain bar!
    -*speed dial* "Hello, boss? I won't be in today...ya, I'm trapped at the top of my stairs again."
    -lies at top of stairs all day
    -plans next week's doctor appointments
    -reads "Smart Ass Cripple"

    -Lambda

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  16. "When I see a mountain climbing cripple I want to gather up a posse of plain old rank and file cripples, jump the guy from behind, drag him into the bathroom, stick his head in the toilet and give him a swirly!"

    I think I'm in love with you! BTW, when you finally let him up, can I give him a wedgie?

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  17. Love it. As someone who is intellectually disabled, and pretty good at rock climbing, it is the savants who get me. Why can't they forget the 29371th digit in pie. Or forget what day lent was on in 1933.

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