Whenever I see an extraordinarily large human being, like a lot of football or basketball players, the first thing I say to myself is, “Damn, I
sure hope that guy never becomes crippled.”
I can’t help but wonder what it would take to haul some guy
who’s seven-feet tall and upwards of 300 pounds in and out of bed if he became
as crippled as Christopher Reeve. I mean, it’s hard enough for me to find
people to haul my crippled ass in and out of bed. And I’m just an average-size
guy.
What about Shaq? I see that massive guy doing all the
commercials he does and I can only shake my head and hope like hell for his
sake that he never becomes crippled. He’d have to round up a crew of people
just to lift one of his monster-ass feet into bed. Hauling his entire carcass
in and out of bed would be a job for the Army Corps of Engineers. Because I
don’t think that you could budge him one inch using one of those crank lifts
with a sling hanging on it like a lot of cripples use. That thing would blow a
gasket. He’d have to have something custom made. He probably has to have a lot
of things custom made, like his shoes, furniture and condoms. To get lifted,
he’d have to rig up some kind of crane system with heavy-duty pulleys and all that.
And what kind of place would Shaq have to live in in order to have room for a
device like that? He’d have to move into an airplane hangar.
But at least Shaq is rich. He can buy an airplane hangar if he
wants to. And he can afford to have stuff custom made. It’s a helluva lot easier being
crippled when you’re rich. What if there was a guy as big as Shaq who was both
crippled and broke ass? He’d really be screwed.
And what about sumo wrestlers? What if one of them became as crippled
as Christopher Reeve? How would you haul a crippled sumo wrestler in and out of
bed? It would take a whole bunch of other sumo wrestlers.
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