Smart Ass Most Vulnerable Person

Should I be insulted? Because Obama went and did it again. He used the V word. He called us “vulnerable.”

Liberals like to use that word a lot. Vulnerable. With the jackass right wingers on a slash and burn scorched earth rampage, the liberals assure us that they, the liberals, will protect and defend the “most vulnerable people.” I assume that means cripples, though it probably means a lot of other people too like old people and infants and orphans and maybe even puppy dogs.

But when they say vulnerable, what kind of vulnerable do they mean? What image are they trying to conjure? There’s all kinds of vulnerable. There’s strong vulnerable and there’s pathetic vulnerable. There’s noble vulnerable and there’s obnoxious vulnerable. There’s oppressed vulnerable and there’s creepy vulnerable.

Maybe I shouldn’t be insulted because being seen as vulnerable has its advantages. It can land you a lot of women. Women always say they want to be with a man who’s vulnerable. But I don’t think they mean the kind of vulnerable the liberals are always talking about. When the liberals say they’re protecting the most vulnerable, they want everyone to picture them protecting a shivering baby chick just emerged from the shell. When women say they’re attracted to vulnerable, they mean not-afraid-to-go-to-the-opera-and-cry vulnerable, not shivering-baby-chick-just-emerged-from-the-shell vulnerable. What kind of woman would be attracted to shivering-baby-chick-just-emerged-from-the-shell vulnerable unless she’s a weirdo?

So I should be insulted, shouldn’t I? Because who the hell wants to be seen as a baby chick? Not only will you never get laid (in the grown man sense, not in the baby chick sense), but you’ll never be able to use fear as a line of defense. Insects are tinier and more squishable than baby chicks, but at least they can scare people the hell away from them by being ugly. But baby chicks are nothing but cute cute cute so their only defense is mercy.

Maybe I should just give up and go with the baby chick thing. I’m tired of standing up for my rights and defending myself all the time. It’s exhausting. Let the liberals do it for me. I should give up and throw myself on the mercy of mercy. Maybe instead of calling ourselves cripples we should call ourselves MVPs: Most Vulnerable People. And we should all wear t-shirts that say PLEASE DON’T HURT ME. I’M VULNERABLE.

If we do that, the liberals will make sure nothing terrible happens to us, won’t they?