I Just Want to be Treated Like the Quarterback Who Won the Super Bowl

It seems a bunch of families with crippled kids are suing Disney and dammit, I want to join them! I wonder if I could file an amicus brief on their behalf in the name of Smart Ass Cripple. That ought to help their case.

These parents are hoppin’ mad because Disney instituted new rules that make it a lot harder for crippled kids to avoid waiting in long lines for the attractions at Disney theme parks. There once was a glorious time when any family with a kid who was or claimed to be crippled could pretty much cut right to the front of Disney waiting lines. But now you have to get what’s called a Disability Access Service Card. And to get one of those you have to wait in line. One of the suing parents said she waited in line for 90 minutes to get a card for an autistic 6 year old. And then if you flash your card at one of the rides you don’t have to wait in line but you can’t just proceed ahead to ride the ride either. You’ll be given a return time based on current wait estimates and you can go wait somewhere else until that time comes. But you still have to wait.

The Disney people said they had to make this change because there were too many cases of fake cripples abusing Disney’s generosity. I don’t know if there are any confirmed cases of anyone pretending to be an autistic six year old just to avoid waiting in line.

But all this has me hoppin’ mad too. I’m vehemently against anything that undermines my ancient, unwritten right to cut to the front of waiting lines just because I’m crippled. It used to be, way back when I was a criplet, that I would be whisked to the front of just about any waiting line anywhere like I was a damn sultan or something. But in the ensuing decades activists demanded that the dominant power structure treat cripples equally with everyone else. And the dominant power structure has proven itself all too happy to meet our demand for equal treatment when it comes to waiting in line.

When I go to Disneyland or Disney Whatever, I don’t want to be treated the same as everyone else. I just want to be treated the same as the quarterback who won the Super Bowl. You know damn well the Disney people don’t make him wait in any stinkin’ line. I’m sure he prances right on in and gets a big wet tongue kiss from Goofy. No one makes him go to guest services and sign up for a Quarterback Who Won the Super Bowl Access Service Card.

If Disney prevails in court and this once-great refuge of cripple line crashing fades away like the setting sun, all those who are determined not to wait their turn in line will have to try another scam. They’ll have to fake like they’re the quarterback who won the Super Bowl.


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