Monday, February 21, 2011

Smart Ass as a Verb


I wish I had a blimp!

I listen to the rabid right wingers like John Boehner on the radio and television and after about 30 seconds I get so riled that’s what I have to say to myself to calm myself down! Dammit! Someday soon I’m gonna get a blimp!

We smart asses need to organize and give these types a pie in the face, early and often. Civilization is counting on us. Wherever we see pompous bullies flashing their diamond-studded fangs, it is our sworn duty as smart asses to bust their balls. This is our reason for being.

We need to launch a smart ass revolution! And the best way to launch a smart ass revolution is to launch our own smart ass blimp. Because blimps are one of the most effective ways of getting the attention of the American public. One day about 50 year ago, some guy said in an advertising brainstorming session, “Hey, how about if we get a blimp with our corporate logo on the side and fly it all over the country?” And after the others laughed like hyenas the guy probably said, “Fine! Screw you guys. I’m gonna go talk to Good Year!”

And now look at all the corporate blimps competing for atmospheric advertising space. You ain’t worth squat if you don’t have your own blimp.

The official smart ass blimp will have the official smart ass logo on the side: the skunk.

The skunk will be the symbol of the smart ass revolution. Everyone is terrified of the skunk. The skunk is as ferocious and physically intimidating as a bunny rabbit but everybody runs the other way when they see a skunk. Because unlike the bunny rabbit or anything else in the animal kingdom, the skunk fights back by hurling stink bombs. So the skunk is the ultimate symbol of effective nonviolent dissent.

And there’s nothing tight ass dictators fear more than comedians. We don’t read about it in the history books, but no doubt there have been plenty of smart ass political prisoner martyrs who dared to have the balls to make fun of their despots: “Hey, how many Kim Jong-Ils does it take to screw in a light bulb?” And before she/he can even get to the punch line, the smart ass is dragged off to that infamous wing of the prison torture chamber that’s specially designed to break the spirits of wisenheimers.

The bigger the despot the smaller their sense of humor. There’s a direct correlation. If you aspire to be the Supreme Royal Hot Shit, in order to believe your own hype you must have no sense of humor at all. So whenever a smart ass hurls a stink bomb their way like a water balloon, we are striking a blow for truth and freedom.

You can judge the health of a democracy by the vitality of its smart asses. Where smart asses are free to roam, the marketplace of ideas is bustling.

I hope our smart ass blimp inspires all who see it to look within. We all have at least a little smart ass inside of us, an inner skunk bursting to break free from the tyranny of politeness. Our blimp might inspire millions to repress that smart ass no more! It’s a joyous feeling of liberation. And from there we can organize the first annual Million Smart Ass March. We’ll descend upon the Capitol under our proud flag: a plain white banner with a smirking, crippled skunk farting out a mushroom cloud.

We’ll know our revolution has really taken hold when smart ass is routinely used as a verb. Whenever a self-righteous autocrat gets splattered by one of our humanizing stink bombs, they’ll say, “Oh shit! I’ve been smart assed!”