Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Simulated Cripples

It’s hard to believe that nearly a year has passed since the president of these great United States of America issued an executive order designating every December as Smartass Cripple Appreciation Month (SCAM).The executive order issues a clarion call for “government agencies, community organizations, schools, museums, cultural entities, institutes of higher learning, houses of worship and ordinary citizens to organize displays, parades, exhibits, school assemblies and other events that honor Smartass Cripple.”

SCAM means a lot to me because I have a severe case of attention deficit disorder. I can never get enough attention. I’m ragingly insecure. I need constant reaffirmation.

It’s not too late to put together a SCAM event in your town.  You can organize a fun group activity that appropriately celebrates Smart Ass Cripple, such as a parade or an orgy.  (Please invite me to the latter.) Or, taking up a collection for Smartass Cripple is always a good idea. Since it’s the holiday season, I suggest you dress like Santa Claus and stand outside of stores ringing a bell with one hand and shaking a red donation kettle with the other hand. And send all proceeds to Smartass Cripple.

But there is one SCAM activity that is absolutely forbidden. You MAY NOT under any circumstances do one of those “awareness building”  cripple simulation exercises where people who aren’t crippled learn what it’s like to be crippled by spending an afternoon riding around in a wheelchair or wearing a blindfold or something. God those things are annoying. The lesson they teach is, “Geez, being crippled sucks! I’m sure glad I’m not.”

But I see news stories about these simulations going on all the time. The mayor accepts a challenge to go about his daily business while wearing ear plugs or with one arm tied behind his back. But I don’t get it. Why doesn’t anyone ever challenge the mayor to run around city hall dressed in drag so he’ll know how it feels to be a woman?

I guess I know how it feels to be homeless because I was homeless myself one afternoon. It was awful! Rahnee and I had to check out of our hotel at noon and our flight didn’t leave until 7! So there we were, alone on the mean streets of downtown Philadelphia with nothing but our cash and credit cards. I followed Rahnee as she sought refuge in a nearby nail salon. Being homeless sucks!

Those cripple simulations capture the full intensity of being crippled like playing the board game Clue captures the full intensity of being a homicide detective. It ain't Colonel Mustard politely committing murders in the parlor using a candlestick. It’s more like the junkie behind the liquor store with a shank.

So, to recap: Parades? Check! Orgies? Check check!  Taking up collections? Check check check!

Cripple simulations? Hell no!