Monday, July 15, 2013

Defenseless Cripples

So it appears the final solution has been determined. In every U.S. state it’s now legal to carry a concealed gun.

I guess the idea is to build to a climactic shootout scene, like the fucking OK Corral, between the good guys, whomever they are, and the bad guys, whomever they are. And when the official final body count is calculated, certified and notarized, the good guys win!

Is that some kind of psycho Barney Fife shit or what?

But a fat lot of good being able to pack heat does for cripples like me who can't use our arms much. The concealed part is no problem. I can shove a gun deep down into the backpack that always hangs on the back of my wheelchair. But what happens when I have to use it, like to defend myself against a mugger? I’ll have to ask some Good Samaritan passerby to please get the gun out of my backpack. But even then I won’t be able to pull the trigger. I can’t even hold the damn gun up! So I’ll have to ask the kind Samaritan to please also shoot the mugger. I know people feel mighty charitable when they see a cripple in distress, but that’s really testing the limits.

But I have to do something to defend myself because I never want to be a defenseless cripple. And pretty soon the bad guys will figure out that the only ones who can’t shoot back are cripples like me who can’t hold up a gun. So they’ll attack us more and more.

About the only lethal weapon I could readily use would be poison blow darts.  But it has to be hands free poison blow darts, so I’ll have to rig up something like those beer drinkers’ batting helmets where there’s a beer can mounted on each side and straws running from the cans to your mouth. Except the straws will run from my mouth to dart launching cylinders atop the helmet so I can shoot poison darts with a mere puff. This will add an extra accessorizing step to my morning routine. After combing my hair, my pit crew assistant will have to dip my blow darts in deadly poison, load them into the cylinders and strap the helmet to my head.

I’ll mass produce these helmets so my fellow cripples can defend themselves in this wide open new world. Once we take down a mugger or two with poison darts, word will spread and the rest of the muggers will know not to mess with any cripple wearing a batting helmet with straws. Then, about the only cripples incapable of self-defense through lethal force will be the comatose. And so the muggers, desperate to find a new pool of defenseless victims, will break into hospitals and nursing homes looking for comatose people to mug. But the batting helmet could probably be equipped with some sort of sensors so comatose people could launch darts by using brain waves. Rigging up something like that can’t be too hard to do. I’ve heard stories about cripples operating stuff like computers and motorized wheelchairs using sensor caps and brain waves. So then the comatose person wearing one of my helmets with sensors cold just think something like “Shoot that sonuvabitch” and the darts fly! Let’s just hope the sonuvabitch they want to shoot isn’t some poor nurse’s aide who gives crappy sponge baths.

That will leave the totally brain dead as the only truly defenseless cripples. I’m afraid there’s not much I can do to help them defend themselves. We may have to throw them to the muggers.