Monday, February 1, 2016

Flying Monkeys

Being crippled but not always looking like you’re crippled must really suck. It must be like having monkeys flying out of your butt.

Among those who are crippled but don’t always look like they’re crippled are folks with stuff like fibromyalgia and the kind of chemical sensitivity where a whiff of perfume can knock you on your ass. One day you’re running a marathon and the next day you’re flat in bed. It must suck constantly having to prove you’re crippled when you know damn well you are. It must especially suck when it’s time to cash in on the few good things that come with being crippled, like Social Security and legal pot. But hey, the uncrippled majority demands hard evidence! They’ve reached the cripple saturation point. There are so many different kinds of cripples and new breeds are popping up all the time. To keep track of them all requires a scorecard a mile long.

So when you really are crippled but nobody believes you are that must be like having monkeys flying out of your butt. Because imagine an average, uncrippled Jane/Joe going through life merrily minding their own business when all of a sudden a monkey flies out of his/her butt. If it happened to me, my first reaction would be, “What was that! I could swear a monkey just flew out of my butt!” But if it didn’t happen again soon, I’d happily dismiss it as some sort of illusion. Maybe it was a trick of light or just the wind. But then it happens again and again until there’s no denying it. "Oh my God, I really do have monkeys flying out of my butt!" I’d yearn for the comforting camaraderie of people with my same malady! But I know nobody will believe me if I say, “I have monkeys flying out of my butt!” A person could get committed for something like that! So I’d convince myself that I must be the only one in the world with monkeys flying out of my butt and I'd suffer in sad, solitary silence, longing for the kind of breakthrough that will only come when a monkey flies out of the butt of a beloved celebrity. Someone like Harrison Ford maybe? I mean, I don’t wish monkeys flying out of your butt on anyone. But if it has to happen to someone, let it be Harrison Ford. Everybody believes and trusts what Harrison Ford says. Harrison Ford is an American institution! I’d fantasize about him holding a press conference to say, “I’m here to announce that I have monkeys flying out of my butt.” And I shout hallelujah! Sweet vindication! Now our voices will finally be heard! And people all over the world step forward to proclaim that they too have monkeys flying out of their butts! And Harrison Ford is praised for his courage! And the nation rallies around him! And Congress appropriates billions in spending for research into the cause and prevention of monkeys flying out of people’s butts! And Harrison Ford is invited to attend the State of the Union address! And the president introduces him and he rises to a standing ovation!

And a monkey flies out of his butt!

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