Thursday, June 16, 2022

Sniffing Out Fake Cripples


I knew this was bound to happen sooner or later. I’m surprised it took so long.

But a guy was busted recently at the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina when federal agents  discovered over 23 pounds of cocaine hidden in the cushion of his motorized wheelchair. The agents said the man came in on a flight from the Dominican Republic and the cocaine had a street value of $378,000.

But the worst thing about the story is that the guy was just pretending to be crippled. Thus, the agents confiscated both the cocaine and the wheelchair.

I’ve always thought that cripples would make good drug mules. I figure that we could easily slip past cops with all kinds of drugs stashed away  in the deep recesses of our wheelchairs because nobody ever suspects us. Everybody thinks we’re so damn innocent, like Tiny Tim.

I wondered when the druglords would catch on to this, And when they finally did, wouldn’t you know it that they didn’t even hire a real cripple to do the job. I guess they think we’re all as innocent as Tiny Tim, too.

This really pisses me off. And it riles me up even more when I think about how they probably acquired the wheelchair in which the cocaine was hidden. Some druglord's hired goons probably wheelchair jacked some poor crippled pedestrian in the Dominican. They probably jumped out from behind some bushes, dumped the cripple out of their wheelchair and made off with it.

But there is something positive to take away from this story. (You know how I am. I take lemons and make lemonade.) I see a golden career opportunity in this for me. You know how agents sometimes use dogs to sniff out drugs, right? Well I’m thinking maybe I could rent myself out to spot fake cripples. Just like some dogs have a keen nose for drugs, I have a keen eye for cripples. Most people on the street can’t tell the difference between a muscular dystrophy cripple, a spina bifida cripple and an amputee. We all look alike.

But I’ve been around thousands of cripples in my life so I can spot a fake one a mile away. First, the body of just about every legit cripple is atrophied or deformed in some way. So if there’s a guy sitting in a wheelchair who otherwise looks all buff and perfect, he’s probably faking it.

And second, take a close look at the wheelchair itself. If this guy really has been living la vida cripple, the wheelchair will show it. It’ll be dirty and dusty. The upholstery will be cracked. There will be duck tape somewhere, The more the wheelchair looks like it just came off the showroom floor, the more likely it is that the cripple occupying it is a fraud.

These are just a few of Smart Ass Cripple’s faux cripple detection tips.

Maybe if the fake cripple drug mules are getting busted left and right because I’m on the job sniffing them out, the druglords will adjust their business models and start hiring real cripples as drug mules. Those are the kind of lucrative jobs cripples need to be able to buy expensive shit like motorized wheelchairs.

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